THE FELINE FUGITIVE

2.30pm, a car park in Rochester, a battle of wills is going down and there can be only one winner.

The claws are out and one of this warring duo is prepared to resort to cunning plans and dirty tricks to make sure that they are the victor.

An explosive and messy toilet stop has given one of them the perfect cover with which to launch a bid for freedom as the others attention is diverted by clearing up that which is offending the driver’s nostrils.

Lightning fast manoeuvres and a superb ability to conceal them self in even the smallest hiding place means that the sleeker of the two can easily outwit their much larger counterpart and upon finding a hard to reach space in which to stow away , they appear to have taken this jail break opportunity and nailed it.

No amount of tradeoffs is good enough for this wily creature to return to the fold, he’s seen it all before and he’s not going to give in to any kind of deal, not for anybody.

His chaser tries valiantly to entice him out but it’s to no avail, he isn’t budging.

With the softly, softly approach falling flat, the decision to use more forceful measures is agreed on , if he won’t come to us they think ,we’ll just have to try and get to him.

Like the enormous turnip they attempt and fail to heave him from his hidey hole so try a different tactic , approaching from the rear to try and catch him unawares but this slick ninja is having none of it, manoeuvring himself even further out of reach.

 However, his over confidence in evading capture soon turns out to be his undoing.

 A moment of smugness at his stealthiness leads him into letting down his guard for just a second and his opponent seizes this opportunity to swiftly remove the errant fugitive from his cosy nook .

He fights it all the way, vocalising his displeasure and making a last ditch attempt to flee by barging headfirst at the bars that trap him but he knows he’s beaten.

 And so it came to pass that covered in a layer of black and white hair, skid marks and wondering if i could contact the A team to ask where they get the sedatives to tranquilize B.A with when he “ ain’t going on no plane “ , I finally managed to deliver our feline friend Gizmo to his appointment at the vets .

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 17/11/14

RENTA-PROUD

“Why don’t you put her in the dustbin and stick the lid on it, mum?” doesn’t sound like the most promising of starts to a lifelong family bond does it.

But as the perpetrator of those words was only a toddler at the time and the babe in his mother’s arms was going full pelt on the screaming child decibelometer you could probably sympathise with him for being put off his stride whilst trying to play with his stickle bricks.

Somewhere along the way however we did manage to put aside our differences and become the best of friends, getting up to mischief together and driving my mum to her wits end.

He ,the daredevil who would push his trike to the top of our street  then whizz down  without a care in the world and only a white plastic police helmet for protection, as my mum stood at the kitchen window ,heart in her throat at what she was seeing.

And I, the little madam who gave the impression of being sweetness and light then would say something that left adult mouths agape, a bit like arsenic laced honey.

For a couple of years we were just a double act then in 78 and 81 we were joined by two more brothers and became a tight knit little band of siblings.

Always there for each other, giving support when needed and best of all, encouraging one another in anything we tried to achieve.

Then two of us became teenagers in quick succession and the lovely motivational bond that had once existed disappeared, swiftly replaced by the expression of anything towards each other through the medium of sarcasm.

So when my big brother decided he was going to learn to play the electric guitar and form a band you can probably guess how much ammunition this provided me with.

Despite all that hard work learning his chords every night blossoming into the formation of his first band with school friends I still wouldn’t take it seriously and even regular gigging didn’t convince me that this actually might be something that was going anywhere.

“What do i want to see your band for, you’re in them which means they must be rubbish “I once shamelessly stated at him in the midst of hormonally charged fury.

Slightly harsh I admit but he gave as good as he got, so don’t imagine for a moment I got off lightly for that Simon Cowellesque review.

Eventually one day though i did relent from my refusal to listen to anything that he might have had a hand in the writing of just because it might be a load of old cobblers as he’d breathed life into it and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that my big brother Glenn was actually quite talented .

From Crosstown traffic to The Wogans through to now in the Len price 3 , how could I not love the songs of a band who’s inspiration comes a lot from our life growing up in Medway and that are sometimes so personal they’ve caused me to shed a tear while listening .

And as I look forward to the Chatham premiere at Sun Pier this Friday of the film Pubmonkey in which the guys make a cameo appearance as a pub band I just want to say

You did good big brother, I’m proud of you and all you’ve achieved.

And thanks for not putting me out in the rubbish that day!

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 3/11/14

Let me entertain you ........with two bricks

You’ve spent 9 months as the world champion of morning sickness, waddling around on legs so swollen they wouldn’t look out of place on a zoological pachyderm whilst becoming a martyr to your haemorrhoids.

Today’s the day though when you’ll finally meet the little one who’s made all that suffering worthwhile and your body can finally start feeling like it’s getting back to normal.

All you need is a little help and support from those who care about you most as you share this beautiful, private moment where you’re the star of the big finale.

That is of course unless your partner is a former member of one of the world’s most successful boy bands in which case this access all areas performance is all about him and shared with just an intimate audience of a few million with the aid of the internet.

Just what you need when you’re feeling the least than the perfect glowing earth mother.

So let’s just hope that Ayda intends to return this touching gesture by entertaining us with a medley of Take that hits as we watch Mr. Robbie Williams undergoing his vasectomy.


GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 3/11/14

FAST FOOD , FAST MONEY , FAST ROUTE TO FUTURE DEBT ?

After much perusal of the canteen menu and contemplating what they fancy, the lunch time selection has been made.

Choosing from a vast array of main meals, desserts and a spot of liquid refreshment with which to wash it down, they slide their tray along to the cashier to settle the bill for their choice of comestibles.

However, no need for a wad of cash here, for they can just charge this splendid luncheon to their account using the latest in touch screen technology.

Just one simple fingerprint and you need not worry about paying for this sumptuous banquet till later.

No notes, no change, no fuss.

So where is this amazing eatery I hear you wondering, an expensive restaurant in the heart of a busy city , the food court at a innovative shopping centre or the dining hall at some hi-tech company.

Well sorry to disappoint you but it isn’t any of the above and unless you’re still in full time education you’re unlikely to be getting anywhere near this eating experience anytime in the near future.

For this is apparently the way forward for paying for school dinners.

Instead of sending them in with a wallet or purse filled with notes and various coinage many schools  are now setting up this new system to alleviate the need for children to have to carry any money .

In concept I can see it’s for the best part a good idea, no money on their person means no money that can be stolen, lost or go missing.

You also can pay for that school activity or trip with confidence, safe in the knowledge that it’s actually reached its destination on time rather than spending about a week crumpled in the depths of a tatty old rucksack between a science text book and a manky old banana.

But after I taken a moment to contemplate the idea more, I wondered to myself, is it really as good as it seems?

Is not having money on you really such a good thing if you find yourself presented with a situation in which it was needed such as spare change to use in a call box in an emergency?

(Yes, I know most kids have a mobile phone these days but go with me on this!)

 

Is a mugger or bully any less likely to attack a child who says they don’t have any money on them rather than do it anyway to make sure they aren’t fibbing?

And through personal experience of the system recently, is taking away the action of them paying with actual cash in their hands removing a vital lesson they can learn in the management of money and budgeting?

If they don’t see the amount of money reducing down in front of them it can seem to them that there’s no limit to how much they can spend with one touch of a finger.

And with so many people in debt saying that when they pay on credit it doesn’t seem like real money is giving what seems to be to our kids a bottomless pit of money at their fingertips such a good idea.

Are we by trying to protect them in one way, preventing them from learning one of the life’s most important lessons for the future?

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 20/10/14

 

RAT'S YOUR LOT

Spiders, I can do. Flies, worms, snails, no problem.

In a house that includes 3 strapping males it would probably amuse you to learn that it’s this little female who  has to get rid of anything vaguely creepy crawly.

Whether in possession of 8 spindly legs or annoying buzzy wings, critters are no match for this guardian of the home when armed with a newspaper or glass with which to escort them humanely towards the nearest exit.

However like many a superhero before me there is one weakness with which my powers can be vanquished.

And this week evil genius Gadget Cat revealed to all the personal kryptonite with which you could render me useless.

For by simply depositing a small furry rodent at my feet I was transformed from protector of people from pests to slightly hysterical woman hitching up her imaginary skirts who wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Something that stings or has a staple diet of rotting food and dog poo, I can deal with.

 Scurrying mammal with a bald tail?

Eeeek, run away!

 GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN -MEDWAY MESSENGER 20/10/14

She's in fashion

You probably wouldn’t guess it to look at me most days ,slobbing about in my everyday uniform of t shirt, jeans and trainers, or as my partner calls it “ little boy chic “ that I’m a big fan of fashion and have been since I was old enough to drag Vogue out of  the paper shop rack.

So as you can imagine I’ve been pouring over the new styles coming down the catwalks of the world in my favourite glossies for the past few weeks.

Hedi Slimane’s designs for Y.S.L with their nod to the 60s mod and Edie Sedgwick  is a particular favourite of mine at the moment tapping into my love for the era my parents grew up in, but let’s just get one thing straight before there’s any confusion .

For me it’s about the design, the style and the inspiration that go into every collection that I love but you certainly won’t see me buying into the other things associated with the industry.

You’d never see  me splashing the cash out on anything that boasts a designer label , toting my stuff around in the latest it bag or putting my name on a waiting list for something  only to discover it’s no longer the “ in “ item to be seen with when my name finally reaches the top of it.

No, I’m the person who will search out the looks she likes from charity shops, boot sales and vintage fairs for a more unique and original look minus the hefty price ticket.

But the main thing I don’t buy into in the fashion world is that your body shape should determine whether you’re out or in.

Growing up in the era of the super waif, having large boobs and a less than stick like figure should have had me crying into my alcopops as I stood next to my pocket sized best friend trying on a vintage school pinafore with a view to wearing it as a mini dress while I could only dream of getting even one leg into it.

Similarly being christened Blubbercus and Megabelly by my lovely male siblings should have in theory made me a sure fire candidate for an eating disorder in my teenage years.

But while I’ve had my ups and downs figure wise, quite literally, having been a range of different sizes from 12 – 18, I like to think I have always maintained a realistic outlook into feeling happy in the skin that I’m in.

I know that I’m never going to be Twiggy because I love my food too much to dedicate my life to being anything less than that size 12 I used to be but I also know once my figure reaches what is affectionately termed as “Elvis , the Vegas years “ that it’s time to do something to get me back to a weight that’s healthier for me.

And likewise I know there are some beautiful healthy slender girls out there for whom the figure they were born with is something that comes naturally without the aid of exercise and dieting.

However, reading about the latest” it” size to be , the triple zero, it does make me question the industry that supports this as the perfect figure we should be trying to attain to look good in their clothing ,whether maybe, just maybe the only people who should be wearing garments with the waist size equivalent to that of a 6-8 year old should be those who fall into that age category.


GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN- MEDWAY MESSENGER 6/10/14

The grown up party

Mark Reckless being described as a fellow who is large of derrière and having a fondness for certain electrical appliances by two men who think we should look to them as the future of this country confirmed just what I’ve suspected for a while now.

Whilst watching the news at home or when my other half has switched on to Prime ministers questions I’m often heard to remark that the resulting jibber jabber as each party tries to get one up on the other  sounds like nothing more than kids squabbling in the playground .

And Dave and Boris have just proved my analysis to a tee.

So in a week that’s seen its fair dose of “my leaders better than your leader “, “you’re not my best friends anymore “and general sticks and stones will break my bones name calling I’m wondering whether we might be better off if someone were to start a new political party consisting of adults who know how to behave like proper grown ups.
GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER COLUMN 6/10/14