BE A "PATIENT" PATIENT

A rainy evening in November, one of my sons took a tumble on the way to school this morning and injured his thumb and now he’s saying he can’t move it.

Take him to the hospital shouts one train of thought neglecting to note that my learner driver status will inevitably mean paying out vast taxi fares to get there and back.

And truth be told the males of this house are prone to a little drama queen action when faced with illness or injury, so I don’t much relish the prospect of sitting in casualty till gone midnight only for that terrible pain that ails them to miraculously be cured once again as the patient grows increasingly restless at the waiting time stretching ahead of them.

Our last journey to Medway Maritime for stomach pains that went from being suspected appendicitis to “ actually I think I might just need a poo , Mummy “ is proof enough that its probably best that I assess whether this damaged digit is worth its weight in taxi fares before I go booking up a minicab.

Carefully unwrapping the bandage the school first aider had strapped it up with I was relieved to see that it wasn’t too swollen as a broken limb would suggest but as he couldn’t grip anything with it decided we should still get it checked out anyway.

As it was getting late I decided to forego ringing the doctors surgery and went straight for the direct approach instead ,reasoning that if they couldn’t see us, there was always the pharmacist in the supermarket next door to advise us on what was best to do.

Fully expecting to be told that no I would have to go to the hospital and get it x rayed I explained to the receptionist what the problem was. She said although we might still end up at the hospital anyway she could understand why I didn’t want to make a journey if I didn’t really need to and so if we didnt mind waiting till everyone else had been in for their appointments she’d ask the doctor to have a look at it for us when she’d finished .

So we sat for about an hour watching people coming and going, the cheerful little boy saying hello to everyone who I pointed out to my son wouldn’t be leaving quite so happy when he realised that his mum had brought him in for his injections, the old lady reading the newspaper with the headline “one in 6 G.P’s is failing “and a group of decorators giving the surgery a much needed lick of paint.

Until eventually we were the only people left in the waiting room and we were called in to see our G.P.

In a little under 10 minutes she had made the diagnosis that although it was painful all this thumb needed was a little bit of rest and it’d soon be back at its best again so there was no need for a trip to A&E.

So instead of spending hours and money on a trip to the hospital we were back home within 90 minutes.

Which goes to show that it’s worth checking with your doctor first, instead of overloading those hard working, yet underappreciated hospital staff with ailments and injuries that aren’t an emergency.

Be a more patient patient and it'll benefit everybody.

And that goes for you too , Mr. Health Secretary.  

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN  - MEDWAY MESSENGER 01/12/14

GREAT PICTURE , GREAT MUSIC ,SORE FEET ....OR A SMALL REVIEW OF THE PUBMONKEY PREMIERE AND LEN PRICE 3 SET

“That was the best night out ever “, an oft quoted statement but my evening at the Pubmonkey premiere certainly fulfilled that 5 star review.

The film, a great mix of comedy and action as loser Eddie tries to rescue his girlfriend from irate drug addict Loonie Noonie is brilliant and if I tell you the only thing I had to complain about was that the chairs for the screening weren’t very comfy and made my bum go numb then you get some idea of how good it is.

 Following that up with dancing like nobody’s  watching to an amazing and energetic set by the Len price 3 I reached a peak of enjoyment that couldn’t even be dampened by a direct hit from a flying pint of lager and the pain from my ill advised choice of platform footwear.

So thanks to the band and the film cast and crew for a great nights entertainment and especially to writer Jamie o Hara and family who it turns out are fans of this column because sometimes it’s nice for this girl from the neck down to feel appreciated too .

MEDWAY MESSENGER - GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN 17/11/14

THE FELINE FUGITIVE

2.30pm, a car park in Rochester, a battle of wills is going down and there can be only one winner.

The claws are out and one of this warring duo is prepared to resort to cunning plans and dirty tricks to make sure that they are the victor.

An explosive and messy toilet stop has given one of them the perfect cover with which to launch a bid for freedom as the others attention is diverted by clearing up that which is offending the driver’s nostrils.

Lightning fast manoeuvres and a superb ability to conceal them self in even the smallest hiding place means that the sleeker of the two can easily outwit their much larger counterpart and upon finding a hard to reach space in which to stow away , they appear to have taken this jail break opportunity and nailed it.

No amount of tradeoffs is good enough for this wily creature to return to the fold, he’s seen it all before and he’s not going to give in to any kind of deal, not for anybody.

His chaser tries valiantly to entice him out but it’s to no avail, he isn’t budging.

With the softly, softly approach falling flat, the decision to use more forceful measures is agreed on , if he won’t come to us they think ,we’ll just have to try and get to him.

Like the enormous turnip they attempt and fail to heave him from his hidey hole so try a different tactic , approaching from the rear to try and catch him unawares but this slick ninja is having none of it, manoeuvring himself even further out of reach.

 However, his over confidence in evading capture soon turns out to be his undoing.

 A moment of smugness at his stealthiness leads him into letting down his guard for just a second and his opponent seizes this opportunity to swiftly remove the errant fugitive from his cosy nook .

He fights it all the way, vocalising his displeasure and making a last ditch attempt to flee by barging headfirst at the bars that trap him but he knows he’s beaten.

 And so it came to pass that covered in a layer of black and white hair, skid marks and wondering if i could contact the A team to ask where they get the sedatives to tranquilize B.A with when he “ ain’t going on no plane “ , I finally managed to deliver our feline friend Gizmo to his appointment at the vets .

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 17/11/14

RENTA-PROUD

“Why don’t you put her in the dustbin and stick the lid on it, mum?” doesn’t sound like the most promising of starts to a lifelong family bond does it.

But as the perpetrator of those words was only a toddler at the time and the babe in his mother’s arms was going full pelt on the screaming child decibelometer you could probably sympathise with him for being put off his stride whilst trying to play with his stickle bricks.

Somewhere along the way however we did manage to put aside our differences and become the best of friends, getting up to mischief together and driving my mum to her wits end.

He ,the daredevil who would push his trike to the top of our street  then whizz down  without a care in the world and only a white plastic police helmet for protection, as my mum stood at the kitchen window ,heart in her throat at what she was seeing.

And I, the little madam who gave the impression of being sweetness and light then would say something that left adult mouths agape, a bit like arsenic laced honey.

For a couple of years we were just a double act then in 78 and 81 we were joined by two more brothers and became a tight knit little band of siblings.

Always there for each other, giving support when needed and best of all, encouraging one another in anything we tried to achieve.

Then two of us became teenagers in quick succession and the lovely motivational bond that had once existed disappeared, swiftly replaced by the expression of anything towards each other through the medium of sarcasm.

So when my big brother decided he was going to learn to play the electric guitar and form a band you can probably guess how much ammunition this provided me with.

Despite all that hard work learning his chords every night blossoming into the formation of his first band with school friends I still wouldn’t take it seriously and even regular gigging didn’t convince me that this actually might be something that was going anywhere.

“What do i want to see your band for, you’re in them which means they must be rubbish “I once shamelessly stated at him in the midst of hormonally charged fury.

Slightly harsh I admit but he gave as good as he got, so don’t imagine for a moment I got off lightly for that Simon Cowellesque review.

Eventually one day though i did relent from my refusal to listen to anything that he might have had a hand in the writing of just because it might be a load of old cobblers as he’d breathed life into it and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that my big brother Glenn was actually quite talented .

From Crosstown traffic to The Wogans through to now in the Len price 3 , how could I not love the songs of a band who’s inspiration comes a lot from our life growing up in Medway and that are sometimes so personal they’ve caused me to shed a tear while listening .

And as I look forward to the Chatham premiere at Sun Pier this Friday of the film Pubmonkey in which the guys make a cameo appearance as a pub band I just want to say

You did good big brother, I’m proud of you and all you’ve achieved.

And thanks for not putting me out in the rubbish that day!

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 3/11/14

Let me entertain you ........with two bricks

You’ve spent 9 months as the world champion of morning sickness, waddling around on legs so swollen they wouldn’t look out of place on a zoological pachyderm whilst becoming a martyr to your haemorrhoids.

Today’s the day though when you’ll finally meet the little one who’s made all that suffering worthwhile and your body can finally start feeling like it’s getting back to normal.

All you need is a little help and support from those who care about you most as you share this beautiful, private moment where you’re the star of the big finale.

That is of course unless your partner is a former member of one of the world’s most successful boy bands in which case this access all areas performance is all about him and shared with just an intimate audience of a few million with the aid of the internet.

Just what you need when you’re feeling the least than the perfect glowing earth mother.

So let’s just hope that Ayda intends to return this touching gesture by entertaining us with a medley of Take that hits as we watch Mr. Robbie Williams undergoing his vasectomy.


GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 3/11/14

FAST FOOD , FAST MONEY , FAST ROUTE TO FUTURE DEBT ?

After much perusal of the canteen menu and contemplating what they fancy, the lunch time selection has been made.

Choosing from a vast array of main meals, desserts and a spot of liquid refreshment with which to wash it down, they slide their tray along to the cashier to settle the bill for their choice of comestibles.

However, no need for a wad of cash here, for they can just charge this splendid luncheon to their account using the latest in touch screen technology.

Just one simple fingerprint and you need not worry about paying for this sumptuous banquet till later.

No notes, no change, no fuss.

So where is this amazing eatery I hear you wondering, an expensive restaurant in the heart of a busy city , the food court at a innovative shopping centre or the dining hall at some hi-tech company.

Well sorry to disappoint you but it isn’t any of the above and unless you’re still in full time education you’re unlikely to be getting anywhere near this eating experience anytime in the near future.

For this is apparently the way forward for paying for school dinners.

Instead of sending them in with a wallet or purse filled with notes and various coinage many schools  are now setting up this new system to alleviate the need for children to have to carry any money .

In concept I can see it’s for the best part a good idea, no money on their person means no money that can be stolen, lost or go missing.

You also can pay for that school activity or trip with confidence, safe in the knowledge that it’s actually reached its destination on time rather than spending about a week crumpled in the depths of a tatty old rucksack between a science text book and a manky old banana.

But after I taken a moment to contemplate the idea more, I wondered to myself, is it really as good as it seems?

Is not having money on you really such a good thing if you find yourself presented with a situation in which it was needed such as spare change to use in a call box in an emergency?

(Yes, I know most kids have a mobile phone these days but go with me on this!)

 

Is a mugger or bully any less likely to attack a child who says they don’t have any money on them rather than do it anyway to make sure they aren’t fibbing?

And through personal experience of the system recently, is taking away the action of them paying with actual cash in their hands removing a vital lesson they can learn in the management of money and budgeting?

If they don’t see the amount of money reducing down in front of them it can seem to them that there’s no limit to how much they can spend with one touch of a finger.

And with so many people in debt saying that when they pay on credit it doesn’t seem like real money is giving what seems to be to our kids a bottomless pit of money at their fingertips such a good idea.

Are we by trying to protect them in one way, preventing them from learning one of the life’s most important lessons for the future?

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 20/10/14

 

RAT'S YOUR LOT

Spiders, I can do. Flies, worms, snails, no problem.

In a house that includes 3 strapping males it would probably amuse you to learn that it’s this little female who  has to get rid of anything vaguely creepy crawly.

Whether in possession of 8 spindly legs or annoying buzzy wings, critters are no match for this guardian of the home when armed with a newspaper or glass with which to escort them humanely towards the nearest exit.

However like many a superhero before me there is one weakness with which my powers can be vanquished.

And this week evil genius Gadget Cat revealed to all the personal kryptonite with which you could render me useless.

For by simply depositing a small furry rodent at my feet I was transformed from protector of people from pests to slightly hysterical woman hitching up her imaginary skirts who wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Something that stings or has a staple diet of rotting food and dog poo, I can deal with.

 Scurrying mammal with a bald tail?

Eeeek, run away!

 GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN -MEDWAY MESSENGER 20/10/14