SAFE SEX ?

Perusing the shelves in my local supermarket the other day in my search for something to soothe the stomach pains of one of my offspring my attention was grabbed momentarily by something on the top shelf.

Now hang on a minute and stop tittering at the back you cheeky devils, while the subject might be of a saucy nature I believe that maybe what I have to say is a completely valid point.

For not only can I not believe just how expensive condoms are if you actually have to buy them but they are also security tagged in our particular shop , meaning that it’s a right old performance just to purchase them and not exactly that discreet .

I mean maybe it’s just me being picky but doesn’t keeping such an item under maximum security seem just a little like they’re taking the phrase “safe sex “to the extreme.

CLOWNING AROUND

Do you remember that old chestnut your mother used to say?

You know the one she’d crack out whenever you’d done something a bit silly and the only valid reason you had to explain yourself with was that all your friends had told you to do it.

Yeah it’s all coming back to you now isn’t it; the disappointment etched into her face as you stood there and protested your innocence with such conviction, the withering stare which you knew was to be soon closely followed by a familiar declaration.

“Would you jump off a cliff just because so and so told you to do it?”

To which of course you would answer no and a discussion would ensue about not having to be a sheep following the crowd that it was possible to have fun and be sensible at the same time and you didn’t have to give into peer pressure it was better to be unique.

So by the time the majority of us have left our school days well behind we’ve given up copying every move that our associates make , forging our own route through life and not being quite so influenced by the motto “everybody else is doing it so why don’t we “.

However as you know there’s always a small minority for whom the playground mentality never quite leaves and with their biggest ally the internet as their trusty sidekick they blunder on into young adulthood and beyond following every silly little trend or craze religiously.

 Aping stupid stunts and pranks that they’ve seen someone on their computer screen do in a sad case of “look at me being wacky and zany, please like me “not ever realising that maybe if they were to come up with an exclusive idea of their own people might actually find them slightly less annoying and respect them a little bit more.

It’s actually a well known fact that the rough translation of internet prankster is massive irritant which means anyone who copies stuff that they do just to scare , intimidate and annoy others is just a milder watered down form but no less of a nuisance.

So take a tip from me, a mother, someone who’s had to utter that dear old chestnut in the past.

This virtual circus of a world is already full of clowns behaving like idiots , some of them even want to be in charge of running countries , grow up , do something amazing with your life and earn some respect an honourable way instead of just being a lemming and jumping off that cliff.

 

 

 

 

WOOFERS AND TWEETERS

Maybe it’s just where I’m getting on a bit now.

Or perhaps I’m just overcome by the extensive range of things they’ve got on show.

The tech talk surrounding it might as well be in hieroglyphics for all it means to me and you can quote 4G, GB, IOS, MP at me till you’re blue in the face and I’ll still have absolutely no idea what you’re harping on about because despite your dazzling array of data on the said product ” I want something to call, text, take photo’s on and a little social media” is all the information I know.

I’m sure I cant be the only one who feels like Mel Smiths character on the Not the nine o clock news gramophone sketch , confused by the modern talk of woofers and tweeters and who knows what else when all you want to do is purchase a new mobile phone ?

WOLF IN WHISTLERS CLOTHING

The wolf whistle, once the mainstay of every bawdy comedy sketch, sitcom or film, let rip from its owners mouth to express desire for what it sees before them, yet you barely hear it at all these days.

Some will say it’s all down to that good old institution of Political correctness gone mad, that you aren’t allowed to say or do anything nowadays for fear of offending somebody in some way but I beg to differ, it’s not yet another thing hijacked by the fun police you’re not allowed to do anymore it’s just that what was once something that was perhaps a fellow trying to pay someone a compliment seems to have evolved into something that at times comes across as a lot more sinister.

Having gone through puberty at quite an early age myself and being gifted with slightly more front than the average 11 year old as you can imagine in the past 30 years I’ve endured more than my own fair share of harassment for the size of certain parts of my figure .

I could have let it upset me, idiots shouting out of car windows or yelling at me in street about my large appendages but instead I used to just react with a well timed “well what do you know, how did they get there, well spotted, I’ve never noticed them before “and leave them dumbfounded and confused as they were delivered a retort they hadn’t expected and I flounced off into the distance.

Yet even behind my breastplate of steel even I have had my moments when what was apparently supposed to be a “compliment” was enough to reduce me to tears.

Picture the scene , it’s your birthday , you’re not exactly football’s biggest fan , however England are playing ,which would be upsetting enough as it is I know , but it’s an important match in a major tournament so there weren’t many other places you could expect to be going than to the local pub to watch the game.

Now imagine spending the evening trying to have a good time despite it not being your thing whilst being bellowed constantly from every side of where you’re sitting to be a good sport for the gents involved by revealing what lies beneath what you’re wearing , although not quite so politely as i am wording it .

I’m guessing that you like me would find it after about the hundredth time somewhat wearying and having not been in the best mood anyway to be spending your birthday in a dingy old boozer watching England doing what they do best, in other words losing, you might feel a little emotional at best at the pack mentality of some men once they’ve got a couple of drinks down their necks.

That incident is nothing however to the sort of abuse I hear being bawled everyday at women and girls in the street, in fact I was disgusted to hear some of the things that were being called out to girls by one of the local secondary schools recently, not just by kids as young as my own but also by adult males who should really know better.

Joanna Lumley was quoted this week as saying that wolf whistlers are harmless and women should not be such delicate flowers and regard it as a compliment.

However there’s a vast difference between a small burst of tune to express “you look alright, darling” and the abuse and pursuit of someone whose feelings for you may or may not be reciprocated.

IF EVERYBODY LOOKED THE SAME ....

Hello candidates and welcome, we have the job of your dreams up for grabs today, however before we make our final decision, we must first of all insist that you participate in a little exercise that helps us sort the wheat from the chaff, the weak from the strong and the yes that’ll do nicely’s from the no definitely not’s.

The concept of the game is very easy; you might even recognise it from your childhood, the aim is to be the only one left standing, so without further ado let us proceed.

Are we all ready, lovely, then our first question for you to ponder and answer in the affirmative by staying on your feet or the negative by placing your bottom back on your seat is

“Do you have all the relevant qualifications to do this job?”

My calculations confirm that’s a full house for the yeses so let’s move on to something a bit more challenging.

Question number 2.

“Are you willing to put your heart and soul into this job to show how much passion you have for it, endeavouring night and day to make sure you and the company are working to your highest ability and getting the best results you can achieve?”

All of you again, excellent, that is good to hear, however you’re making this very difficult for us to choose just one of you so let’s get down to the real nitty gritty now or we’ll be here all day .

Question 3.

“Do you understand that this job requires that you must always be well turned out, smart and nicely presented? “

That’s all of you again, fantastic , however you’ve jumped the gun a little there as we haven’t actually finished the question so I’ll carry on if I may with the second part which is ;

 “Do you have any piercings, tattoos, brightly coloured hair in all shades of the rainbow or extreme haircuts or styling?”

You do, well I’m afraid to tell you that unfortunately unlike the previous questioning this affirmative is in fact classed as a negative so I’m afraid it’s a goodbye to you, yes I know you’re some of the most qualified applicants for the job however we can’t have any of that sort of uniqueness in this establishment so please close the door on your way out, cheerio.

Next up ladies you’d do so much better in your job if you slapped a bit of make up on your face and tottered round in a pair of towering high heels that kill your feet.

What’s that , you don’t agree , I’m terribly sorry,  that’s the end of the line for you then , mind how you go .

Well, that seems to have narrowed things down a bit, who have we got left, just you in the corner there.

That makes you our grand winner then, welcome to the company.

What’s that, you only popped in to borrow a pen, oh well never mind I’m sure you’ll pick the job up as you go along; you certainly look the part anyway....

It amazes me that in this day and age such things as those above can be the sole reasons for why somebody gets overlooked when they go for a job interview, surely the most important thing you’re looking for in a candidate is how brilliant and dedicated they are to their chosen occupation and as long as they’re smart and well presented it shouldn’t matter about what they choose to decorate themselves with on their rise to the top.

 

 

 

KILL THE CALL NOT OTHER PEOPLE

As a learner driver for the past couple of years I’ve seen some quite idiotic behaviour out on the roads and not all of it my own.

Boy racers, not necessarily always of the male variety, putting their pedal to the metal and scorching the floor.

White van men thinking they rule the highways and women doing their make up in the rear view mirror as they drive along oblivious to the fact that one false move could put that mascara wand straight through their eye socket and them permanently off the road.

But without a doubt the most stupid behaviour always involves that silly little contraption we use to communicate with each other.

Be it taking a call, snapping a selfie or just checking texts or social media , it takes just seconds to lose concentration and for disaster to appear so maybe it’s time to kill the call or other stuff until you’ve stopped somewhere safe because it’s much preferable to killing yourself or other people.

UNIFORMLY WRONG

September 1986, approximately 90 new students including myself walk through the gates of their new secondary school.

Our uniforms are neatly pressed, some have been purchased from the official school uniform shop and ticked off the list provided with military precision, whilst others whose parents bank balance doesn’t quite stretch to the prices of buying every item in there have managed to get pieces elsewhere that look the same but are cheaper and do the job just as well.

Some of these children will go on to become teachers, authors, doctors, solicitors, lawyers, join the police force or become high flying business people.

One will even go on to write a column for the local paper despite being told by her English teacher that she couldn’t write anything interesting or inspiring.

The one thing they will all have in common though is that while some of those on that success story list had the exact regulation school uniform , games kit , school bag and best leather shoes their parents could afford , some of them didn’t , some of them were the kids whose school wardrobe was always a cobbled together Frankenstein’s monster comprising of pieces bought from various chain stores such as BHS ,Littlewoods and Peacocks , markets ,catalogues and of course the much dreaded previously used by another member of the family “ hand me down “.

However they never let what they were clothing in their bodies in everyday to go to school and learn stand in the way of what they were trying to achieve, in fact I bet they never even crossed their minds for a minute.

For to them it just was what it was , just a uniform , something that made them all look the same and smart regardless of what shop it was bought from , nothing amazing , nothing revolutionary that made them think or behave any better , it was just there.

Yes there will always be those who try to play the system to suit themselves so a good set of rules put in place helps to prevent this occurring, however if you want your school to be achieving better grades as Matthew Tate from Hartsdown Academy in Margate keeps telling us when he appears on the news, surely it’s more important to have pupils in the school being taught rather than sending them home day after day for wearing the wrong pair of shoes?