It’s supposed to make our lives easier so the boffins at
supermarket HQ would have us believe , promoted as a time saving device that means we’ll be home sipping a lovely hot beverage before those slowcoaches
stood in the queues have even had a chance to get out their bags for life .
But then of course we try to use the self service checkout
and all that positive spiel we’ve heard just goes straight out the window.
There it stands gloating at you in all its technical glory
promising you such efficiency then the minute it has you hoodwinked into
believing the hype, proceeds to hold you up in any way it can.
It doesn’t care whether you’re in a hurry or have all the
time in the world, its only goal is to see just how many times and for how many
stupid reasons it can stop you going about your daily business within one
shopping trip.
From unexpected items in the packing area which clearly it
should have expected as you’ve just scanned and put them there to promotions it
doesn’t really want to be dealing with because it’s an mighty computerised evil genius, it’ll make
you stand there under the embarrassing flashing red beacon of gloom till a poor
human minion has a moment to come and help you sort out your problem with its special
device and secret code to release the information needed.
And naturally there will only be one of them to deal with
the customers swearing under their breath and preparing to put their fist
through the glass screen of the scanner because the last thing self checkout
wants to do is let anyone make a quick getaway.
Here stands a woman with only 3 items in her basket “that
shouldn’t take long” she foolishly thinks without realising checkout has other
ideas for her. Not only will it call the assistant over once within this transaction to check
understandably that she’s old enough to be purchasing superglue but also a
further 2 times to check the item it’s asking her to “ please put back into the
bag “ is definitely there when its clearly in the bag for all to see .
And god help you should your handbag or coat slightly graze
the sensitive scanning area ,sending into a complete tantrum and refusing to do anything for another few
precious minutes.
After a bit of soothing from the minion though it will eventually
calm down again and now it’s time for you to make your payment .If it’s with a
card that’s fine and it’ll all be over and done with quickly and easily once you’ve
partaken the barrage of questions for cash back and entered your pin number .
However if you’ve decided to pay with that outdated and old
fashioned currency of actual money don’t expect to be getting away quite so
swiftly.
Unless your notes are straight out the cash point new and
pristine it’s not going to be having any of it until you’ve inserted it at
least 5 times whereby once it’s had its fun with you like a cat with a mouse
it’ll finally stop rejecting it and gobble it up .
And as for coins it will be just as picky with them even
going so far as to develop an allergy to certain denominations and refuse to
take them despite the fact they’ll quite happily spit them out in your change.
Eventually though you’ll finally conclude your transaction
and you glance round at those who still choose to use the old slow people
powered tills to gloat about how much time you’ve saved scanning your own
shopping. But you’re too late they’re long gone and already at home savouring that
hot beverage after receiving service with a smile instead of a technological
nervous breakdown.
GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN -MEDWAY MESSENGER 19/05/14
