SORTED FOR CHEESE AND FIZZ

                           
                    SORTED FOR CHEESE AND FIZZ


                               THE SECRET DIARIES OF NINA PAGE AGED 37 & 3/4
    
                                        

IN a world where the majority of us share everything on social media, it sometimes seems difficult to remember it wasn’t so long ago that we didn’t sum up our life in 140 characters or less.
Watching ’ My Mad Fat Diary ’ the 1990’s set T.V adaption of author Rae Earls own teenage diaries reminded me of just how I used to document what was occurring in my life and share those little secrets with something that wasn’t going to be splashed all over the internet . Like Rae in those days I felt that I ,with my larger body shape and short hair cut, was a bit of an odd one out next to all the skinny girly girls I hung around with . A mainly male dominated upbringing amongst 3 brothers also meant that being feminine wasn’t a natural charm for me, preferring a good laugh over batting my eyelashes at a boy. But there was always that secret longing that one day Prince Charming would finally realize how much fun I was compared to the bird in the sexy dress and carry me away on his white horse as we guffawed about the latest series of Shooting Stars.
Inspired by a T.V programme that reminded me so much of what my life was like  back then I decided to hunt down my own diary from that era and share with you the adult advice I can now give my teenage self with the benefit of hindsight.

                                          MY ACTUAL DIARY FROM 92 - 95
It seems quite a sensible looking tome doesn’t it. After years of my brothers tormenting me with ’ Nina , I’m in your room… reading your diary ‘  and my mum quoting large chunks from previous volumes to the whole family as I sat there in abject horror, that lock was a godsend. Especially when you realize that within that period of 3 years I went from a first entry writing about how I loved the Garfield slippers I’d received for Christmas to one towards the end of the diary on the morning after I’d lost my virginity.
So let me introduce myself circa 1995 in all my bad hair and one of my less dubious outfits of the decade glory .
                                            

             
Dear Younger Self ,
The hair is a little greyer and the skin a bit more wrinkly but I have a few things to share with you that you might find useful as you muddle along in this thing called life.
                                         
PART 1 - FASHION AND BEAUTY
The pixie crop and hair-slide combo is a winner, while typing this 18 years later you are still rocking this look. Longer girly hair and extensions were never really going to be the way forward for you, far too fussy !
The dark hair doesn’t work for you, I know you want people to take you seriously and you don’t think that with your natural blonde hair plus massive boobs they will, but one day in 2010 you decide to take a risk in going platinum blonde and suddenly everyone tells you how young you look so it’s worth it …..And contrary to what people are telling you now, at 37 you do still have all your own hair despite all that dyeing.
Your make up regime of black eyeliner, mascara and a slick of Rimmel’s “Black Cherries” lipstick will be replaced by a drastic troweled on 1950s/60s look for a good few years but you will eventually come back to the less is more approach finding it does wonders for your skin as you slip into middle age.I know you hate being I.D-ed now but when you’re in your 30’s you will take it as a compliment.
Vintage dresses are a good look for you, they suit you so much better than the tight flares and t-shirts your more delicate sized mates are able to get away with , there’s only so much muffin top you can have hanging out before people shy away in disgust …..
Your main body hang up at this moment is that you’re too fat but believe me your not . That’s an enviable size 12-14 hourglass figure you have there and you will wish you had it back again when you put on 4 stone while pregnant with your kids.
Oh, by the way, around this period in time your Nan gives you loads of vintage clothing and you’ll shove it all away in a cupboard and forget about it cos you’re a cords, t-shirt and trainers kind of Britpop girl. BIG MISTAKE ! Years later you’ll be kicking yourself when your mum reveals she gave them away to someone for a fancy dress party. A brown stripy 50’s day frock , a Dollyrockers original 70’s maxi dress , fab beaded sweaters all snatched from your grasp in the blink of an eye. Gutted doesn’t even begin to describe it !

PART 2-BOYS

After various crushes on blokes who don’t even know you exist you will set your sights on one of the fella’s who works in the local Our Price. Word to the wise Nina, that guy he’s really friendly with, there’s a reason for that.
That bloke you fancy at the Y.T.S course centre, you’ll see him in 2012 on a crazy golf course in Broadstairs and thank your lucky stars that one never went any further.
 You will learn a lesson well that just because someone is really attractive doesn’t necessarily mean they are very interesting. Nik’s the only bloke I know who apologized for cheating on you when you thought you’d stopped seeing each other weeks before after he spent most of a night with you passed out on his bed from too much of some kind of chemical substance. The fact that you could literally pass out through sheer boredom from just being around him completely escapes his notice .
The young man who tries to snog you in a London club and sticks his tongue so far down your throat that it makes you throw up, that isn’t a foreign accent he’s got there, he’s deaf. Don’t give him your real phone number cos you feel sorry for him , he will be calling you for months on end while your parents reel off various excuses as to why you can’t come to the phone.
You and your best mate become involved in a bizarre love pentagon with two indie boys and another girl. One bloke turns out to be a career criminal who steals your friends heart and then her debit card.The other is a serial flirt who snogs you under the viaduct in Chatham( near Thomas Waghorn and his pointy finger ) exposing your pants to the drivers going by when your 60’s mini dress rides up past your hips as he lifts you in a passionate embrace. The girl is the mother of one of their children and object of the others unrequited love, she was welcome to them both in the end !
That older bloke, the one you really liked but made a total arse of yourself over by becoming a bit of a limpet, you’ll end up seeing him again years later when it comes to light he’s a friend of the parent’s of someone who goes to the club you start DJ-ing at . In a further twist it now turns out he lives just round the corner from you so you will feel you have to be totally aloof whenever you see him just in case at any moment that awkward 19 year old inside you makes a reappearance and says something completely stupid. Just so you know, your gaydar was on the blink again as far as he was concerned because he certainly wasn’t !
N.B- That bit of advice he gives you about not settling down too young and that you need to live your life a bit first, hate to say this but he was right on that one. It will haunt you for a few years when you’re older and stuck at home with twin babies and no-one to talk to but don’t worry you do get a chance to rectify it before its too late


PART 3 - YOU'RE BRILLIANT , YOU JUST HAVEN'T REALISED IT YET
You’re too fat.
You have no pride in your appearance
Those clothes don’t suit you.
Why are you friends with her?
Why aren't you more like …… ?
You’ll be no good at that , don’t bother.
You’re lucky to have me, no-one else will want you.
You’re a moron
You’re making a fool of yourself.
Everyone's laughing at you .
You don’t have an opinion.
You’re a failure.
You’re a bad mother.
You’re pathetic.
These are all things you will be told over the transition from teenager to adulthood but it does get better eventually. One day after a massive breakdown in front of your mum you will decide that enough is enough and use all the shyness, awkwardness and nothingness you’ve been feeling as a battering ram against those who’ve made you feel this way. You discover something you have a real talent for and you know what , it could all have been born out of that little book you kept years ago.
So thank your teenage diary because without it you might never realize the solution to your problems will be to put the journal into journalism.
love
 Your older and maybe just a little wiser self
xxx


                                
                                                

Subsonic - Re-loaded

BACK in the halcyon days of Britpop there was only one place to go on a Friday night for the Medway indie kid about town .
After working all week in some boring old job /school/college, the indie/goth/grunge hordes would make their way to Excalibur's in gillingham and the legend that was SUBSONIC.


A haven for all the mis-shapes and misfits who didnt quite fit in with the "TOWNIE'S" of Gillingham and Chatham you could come and listen to your favourite tunes without the worry of getting your head kicked in just for what you were wearing .
For many of us it was the place where we grew up and found our own identities ,perhaps even planted the seed of what was to be later on in our lives and where we experienced things that would shape the people we are today .
Eventually  like the rest of us ,Subsonic grew up and moved on to other things and new places but in the backs of our minds we would always look back in fondness at those ' Excalibur ' days.
So if your looking to re-live the days back when you didn't have the responsibilities of  mortgages ,children and fitted kitchen's and your biggest worry in life was what you were going to wear out on friday night then the place to be is Krystal's ( formerly the Manor club ) on 1st March 2013 as Dj SUBSONIC himself Kevin Warren presents  Re- loaded , a night of indie and retro classics. So get your D.M's polished and your cord's ironed , lets party like its 1995 and remember the first time again.

" Oh dont bother with that , thats the cleaners job "

How many times have I heard that one . In fact I've probably even been guilty of uttering it myself in the past.
But spare a thought for that person your off loading those little jobs onto because you might realise your taking liberties just ever so slightly.
You see the clue is in the name - CLEANER - yeah ,thats right we clean the school so its clean and tidy for when the children arrive the next day. The majority of the other members of staff respect the job you do but there are the exceptions who do think your  just  there to do what they can't be bothered with.
Let me explain , I have a two hour shift every morning in which I have to hoover ,wash the floor and clean the tables of 4 classroom's , clean 2 throughly unpleasant smelling toilet blocks (sinks ,toilets mirrors etc) plus emptying all  bins and dusting shelves, bookcases etc.
Thats a major feat in itself to complete within the time radius ,often ending up with two of us working on the same area to get it done in time before the start of the school day.
So as you can imagine you'd probably be more than a little  annoyed to find that as well as that lot to do some "kind" individual has also left you two primary classes worth of muddy wellies , p.e bags and various coats, hats and gloves chucked willy nilly across the cloakroom floor that need picking up before you can even start thinking about cleaning. Thats 10 minutes off my two hours that could have been 10 minutes( or less seeing as they have a teaching assistant each to help them)out of their 6 hours in the school.  Recently I was reported to the headmaster for missing a smear of poo on the underneath of a toilet bowl ,I got a lecture about there being a child at the school just getting over leukemia and how we need to make sure everything is clean at all times.
 Fair enough i thought but later it struck me what a hypocritical lecture this was, surely if they were so concerned with the place being so clean that poo smear should have been cleared up at the time it happened not left for me to do some 15 hours later the next morning . Its not the first time its happened either last year i was treated to a whole turd just left and baked hard in the summer heat on the floor where some poor unfortunate had missed the toilet.But the general answer I got back on both occasions was that the teacher /ta say its not their job to have to clean it up , well thats ok then , just because my job title has the word clean in it please do feel free to just leave any bodily waste for me to deal with hours later while you just pop a yellow caution cone over it .
And as for staff room's , dont get me started , these are the same individuals who are telling our kids to tidy up after everything they do but one look round the staff room tends to reveal a case of " do as i say but  that doesnt mean i have do it ". Row upon row of dirty coffee/tea cups ,some that have been there so long you need a chisel to prise them away from the draining board . Three bins within one room but no matter just leave that crisp packet / yogurt pot shoved under the chair, fruit rotting away in the fruit bowl  , anything i dont want in my classroom  where can I put it? I know, the table in the staffroom . Is it any wonder the headmaster got so sick of it one day that he came in and just shoved the whole lot all in a black bag and put it out in the rubbish !
So my basic rant to those who are probably thinking" whats the problem thats what  your job is" is yes I get it I'm the cleaner but thats just it I'm there to clean I'm not there to be your mother tidying up after you. Take the responsibility for the things you do( like you so often tell our children to do )instead of giving it to someone who's already got enough to do.
And if you don't , I'll send you to your room without any supper ....

It's a Dirty old town ...but its my dirty old town ...

 

 

BACK in the latter part of last year I was given the task of interviewing a local M.P and one of the subjects we touched upon was having a real love for the town /city you are representing.MEDWAY ,lets be honest, doesnt have the best reputation  as one of those loveable area's but if you look deep into your families history you can sometimes see a little bit of beauty shining through the dog shit and fag ends in the gutter .

 

 

REASONS WHY I LOVE MY MEDWAY PART ONE:ROCHESTER CASINO

NOW , I'd be the first to admit that I have on more than one occasion turned my nose snootily up at the phrase "LET'S GO DAAAHN CASINO'S " . The thought of going out to a place where dayglo orange is the only acceptable skin colour and staggering about like a newborn giraffe across rochesters cobbled street's in the latest studded stripper heels while some bloke tanked up on Jagermeister thinks its acceptable to grind his credentials into your back has just never appealed to me.In fact during a chat recently I realised the one and only time I had ever been there was way back in the 90s when a fellow SHOE EXPRESS workmate and I treated ourselves to a night out  to see "Voulez-Vous"an ABBA tribute band complete with compere ( CATCHPHRASE legend Roy Walkers son Mark , fact ! ),disco and all you can eat buffet.
However if you look way back into the past of  " CASINO'S " before Aaron stone was even a twinkle in his dad's or maybe even his grandad's eye the room's were roaring not with the latest dubstep or drum and bass but the rumble of skate wheels.
For back in the forties and early fifties the craze of choice in medway involved racing round a rink with wheels strapped to your feet not boy racing round a carpark in some souped up excuse for a penis extension .

My dads parents were two of the enthusiasts who spent their nights there and it was here no less that they first met . My grandad Sid was a member of Medway Roller Dance club and also a keen player of roller hockey , it was during one such match that my nanna Joyce spotted him across the rink and declared  to her friends "see him , thats the man I'm going to marry " and she wasn't wrong !

The casino's history in my family doesnt end there though. They married  on 15th April 1944  at All Saints church in Frindsbury and their only son ( my dad ) Ian arrived a year and a bit later in July 1945. As he grew up the roller skating bug bit him too and he competed in many a roller dance competition as a young man.

It wasnt all just skating on the entertainment front at the Casino's though , wrestling was another big crowd puller and whilst clearing out some old books in my grandads room when he sadly passed away in 2010  I found THIS tucked into its pages . This isn't the hyped up stylised american wrestling we 're used to today , its the good old fashioned stuff that you'd see all the old grannies getting their bloomers in a twist about on " world of sport " while blokes in swimming trunks hurled their beer bellies at each other !And I recall fondly the stories both my grandparents and dad told me about those nights as they sometimes helped out behind the scenes  , my favourite being that they once had to make tea for ODD JOB from GOLDFINGER .

 

So there you have it , the first of the little gems that shine out from beneath the grime in MEDWAY for me and theres plenty more where that came from.

Like I said ,  yes it's a dirty old town but its our dirty old town and we all have little reasons why we love it .....even if maybe we don't admit to them

.

 

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