SORTED FOR CHEESE AND FIZZ

                           
                    SORTED FOR CHEESE AND FIZZ


                               THE SECRET DIARIES OF NINA PAGE AGED 37 & 3/4
    
                                        

IN a world where the majority of us share everything on social media, it sometimes seems difficult to remember it wasn’t so long ago that we didn’t sum up our life in 140 characters or less.
Watching ’ My Mad Fat Diary ’ the 1990’s set T.V adaption of author Rae Earls own teenage diaries reminded me of just how I used to document what was occurring in my life and share those little secrets with something that wasn’t going to be splashed all over the internet . Like Rae in those days I felt that I ,with my larger body shape and short hair cut, was a bit of an odd one out next to all the skinny girly girls I hung around with . A mainly male dominated upbringing amongst 3 brothers also meant that being feminine wasn’t a natural charm for me, preferring a good laugh over batting my eyelashes at a boy. But there was always that secret longing that one day Prince Charming would finally realize how much fun I was compared to the bird in the sexy dress and carry me away on his white horse as we guffawed about the latest series of Shooting Stars.
Inspired by a T.V programme that reminded me so much of what my life was like  back then I decided to hunt down my own diary from that era and share with you the adult advice I can now give my teenage self with the benefit of hindsight.

                                          MY ACTUAL DIARY FROM 92 - 95
It seems quite a sensible looking tome doesn’t it. After years of my brothers tormenting me with ’ Nina , I’m in your room… reading your diary ‘  and my mum quoting large chunks from previous volumes to the whole family as I sat there in abject horror, that lock was a godsend. Especially when you realize that within that period of 3 years I went from a first entry writing about how I loved the Garfield slippers I’d received for Christmas to one towards the end of the diary on the morning after I’d lost my virginity.
So let me introduce myself circa 1995 in all my bad hair and one of my less dubious outfits of the decade glory .
                                            

             
Dear Younger Self ,
The hair is a little greyer and the skin a bit more wrinkly but I have a few things to share with you that you might find useful as you muddle along in this thing called life.
                                         
PART 1 - FASHION AND BEAUTY
The pixie crop and hair-slide combo is a winner, while typing this 18 years later you are still rocking this look. Longer girly hair and extensions were never really going to be the way forward for you, far too fussy !
The dark hair doesn’t work for you, I know you want people to take you seriously and you don’t think that with your natural blonde hair plus massive boobs they will, but one day in 2010 you decide to take a risk in going platinum blonde and suddenly everyone tells you how young you look so it’s worth it …..And contrary to what people are telling you now, at 37 you do still have all your own hair despite all that dyeing.
Your make up regime of black eyeliner, mascara and a slick of Rimmel’s “Black Cherries” lipstick will be replaced by a drastic troweled on 1950s/60s look for a good few years but you will eventually come back to the less is more approach finding it does wonders for your skin as you slip into middle age.I know you hate being I.D-ed now but when you’re in your 30’s you will take it as a compliment.
Vintage dresses are a good look for you, they suit you so much better than the tight flares and t-shirts your more delicate sized mates are able to get away with , there’s only so much muffin top you can have hanging out before people shy away in disgust …..
Your main body hang up at this moment is that you’re too fat but believe me your not . That’s an enviable size 12-14 hourglass figure you have there and you will wish you had it back again when you put on 4 stone while pregnant with your kids.
Oh, by the way, around this period in time your Nan gives you loads of vintage clothing and you’ll shove it all away in a cupboard and forget about it cos you’re a cords, t-shirt and trainers kind of Britpop girl. BIG MISTAKE ! Years later you’ll be kicking yourself when your mum reveals she gave them away to someone for a fancy dress party. A brown stripy 50’s day frock , a Dollyrockers original 70’s maxi dress , fab beaded sweaters all snatched from your grasp in the blink of an eye. Gutted doesn’t even begin to describe it !

PART 2-BOYS

After various crushes on blokes who don’t even know you exist you will set your sights on one of the fella’s who works in the local Our Price. Word to the wise Nina, that guy he’s really friendly with, there’s a reason for that.
That bloke you fancy at the Y.T.S course centre, you’ll see him in 2012 on a crazy golf course in Broadstairs and thank your lucky stars that one never went any further.
 You will learn a lesson well that just because someone is really attractive doesn’t necessarily mean they are very interesting. Nik’s the only bloke I know who apologized for cheating on you when you thought you’d stopped seeing each other weeks before after he spent most of a night with you passed out on his bed from too much of some kind of chemical substance. The fact that you could literally pass out through sheer boredom from just being around him completely escapes his notice .
The young man who tries to snog you in a London club and sticks his tongue so far down your throat that it makes you throw up, that isn’t a foreign accent he’s got there, he’s deaf. Don’t give him your real phone number cos you feel sorry for him , he will be calling you for months on end while your parents reel off various excuses as to why you can’t come to the phone.
You and your best mate become involved in a bizarre love pentagon with two indie boys and another girl. One bloke turns out to be a career criminal who steals your friends heart and then her debit card.The other is a serial flirt who snogs you under the viaduct in Chatham( near Thomas Waghorn and his pointy finger ) exposing your pants to the drivers going by when your 60’s mini dress rides up past your hips as he lifts you in a passionate embrace. The girl is the mother of one of their children and object of the others unrequited love, she was welcome to them both in the end !
That older bloke, the one you really liked but made a total arse of yourself over by becoming a bit of a limpet, you’ll end up seeing him again years later when it comes to light he’s a friend of the parent’s of someone who goes to the club you start DJ-ing at . In a further twist it now turns out he lives just round the corner from you so you will feel you have to be totally aloof whenever you see him just in case at any moment that awkward 19 year old inside you makes a reappearance and says something completely stupid. Just so you know, your gaydar was on the blink again as far as he was concerned because he certainly wasn’t !
N.B- That bit of advice he gives you about not settling down too young and that you need to live your life a bit first, hate to say this but he was right on that one. It will haunt you for a few years when you’re older and stuck at home with twin babies and no-one to talk to but don’t worry you do get a chance to rectify it before its too late


PART 3 - YOU'RE BRILLIANT , YOU JUST HAVEN'T REALISED IT YET
You’re too fat.
You have no pride in your appearance
Those clothes don’t suit you.
Why are you friends with her?
Why aren't you more like …… ?
You’ll be no good at that , don’t bother.
You’re lucky to have me, no-one else will want you.
You’re a moron
You’re making a fool of yourself.
Everyone's laughing at you .
You don’t have an opinion.
You’re a failure.
You’re a bad mother.
You’re pathetic.
These are all things you will be told over the transition from teenager to adulthood but it does get better eventually. One day after a massive breakdown in front of your mum you will decide that enough is enough and use all the shyness, awkwardness and nothingness you’ve been feeling as a battering ram against those who’ve made you feel this way. You discover something you have a real talent for and you know what , it could all have been born out of that little book you kept years ago.
So thank your teenage diary because without it you might never realize the solution to your problems will be to put the journal into journalism.
love
 Your older and maybe just a little wiser self
xxx