THOMAS BLAGHORN

A walk into Chatham throws up many questions but as I wandered down past the station last Monday, crossed the bus waiting area and emerged round the corner of the Alexandra pub, a sight caught my eye which sent my imagination into overdrive trying to come up with an amusing idea with which to explain it.

Was this someone’s failed attempt at a well known Chatham tradition, one usually fuelled by copious imbibement of alcohol mixed with high spirits , a practical joke that seemed like a good idea at the time until an attack of vertigo signalled that maybe it would be a good idea to abort this mission as they don’t relish the thought of spending the night sitting in Medway A&E.

No, my assumption is that Thomas Waghorn upon seeing a growing trend amongst street entertainers for pretending to be statues has decided to capitalize on his greatest skill and that there in front of him is his hat tossed down on the ground for any welcome donations.

PHOTO BY GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN

A DIFFERENT CLASS

Last week saw the 20th anniversary of the date that “ Different Class “ by Pulp was released.

Their big breakthrough album of the Britpop era , with songs that told stories that echoed how some of us were feeling .

My copy with its creases, broken case and still intact interchangeable front cover cards depicting cardboard cut-outs of the band placed in various locations looks every one of its 20 years but it’s still going strong after all this time and hidden away in the album sleeves is a caption that means just as much to me today as it did back then to all those mis-shapes who didn’t feel like they belonged in the places they lived in .

 “Please understand. We don’t want no trouble. We just want the right to be different that’s all “

A lesson there that many could learn from on judging people just because they’ve chosen not to be a sheep and stray from looking like what other people believe to be the norm.

PERIOD PROBLEMS ....

I don’t know about the rest of you girls but after a hard day dealing with all of life’s essentials I do like to treat myself to a bit of luxury.

When I’m done reaching for the skies in my helicopter seeking out zoo tickets and baked Alaska I do like to kick back in my houseboat with a packet of Jaffa cakes and indulge in a spot of bingo or better yet see if it could be me who scoops this week’s winning jackpot with my ticket for the national lottery.

Once a month however after all those mundane everyday necessities I  do love to go completely mad , spoil myself rotten and splash out on an extravagance that is truly and divinely decadent .

And what better gift to treat yourself to as the cold winter nights roll in and the only thing you feel like doing is snuggling up in your warm duvet with a hot water bottle stuffed down the front of your pjs than an immaculately wrapped item fashioned from cotton with a stunning string detail or a soft padded towel that absorbs everything you throw at it then protects you with loving care by locking it away from danger with its amazing Dri weave top sheet.

Some might imply that I’m being frivolous treating myself to such a lavish purchase every time the page of the calendar turns but I believe that you have to pay for quality you see, what’s 5% extra when you know how amazing it’s going to make you feel that you’ve invested in something that makes you feel so special once a month and the best thing is you get to update it with a completely new package four weeks later.

After all ladies surely we all deserve to reward ourselves opulently for that 3-7 days a month where we have to contend with feeling like we’ve stopped a speeding cannonball with our stomachs , been gifted with the limbs of a stick man and have all the patience of the incredible hulk when someone has ticked him off ever so slightly.

And as for even considering wearing any kind of light coloured clothing, well, let’s not even go there for that would just be a red rag to a bull if you’ll pardon the slightly graphic euphemism over your morning coffee or cup of tea.

A lot of blood has been spilt over sanitary towels and tampons being seen as non essential items and I have to agree.

 There’s nothing luxurious about periods in fact they’re quite taxing.

BUS FARCE

The 176/177 bus saga, it’s the stuff of legend round the Walderslade /weedswood area

Once upon a time you could be sure of catching a bus quite easily into town taking in the station before continuing on to Gillingham and Medway hospital and vice versa.

But that was before someone had a bright idea to shake up the timetable and routes and since then it’s been a bit of a gamble as to whether you’re actually going to be able to get anywhere at all on time if you decide to use their public transport services.

Take it from someone who has on a couple of occasions stood waiting for 45 minutes for a service that supposedly comes every 12 minutes as she watches at least 4 vehicles go past in the opposite direction never to be seen again, that if it becomes more time efficient for someone to walk into town and they are getting as far as Thomas Waghorn and his pointy finger before anything passes them maybe those who are able to do so will start protesting with their feet and start being a bit more cost efficient about paying your fares ,Arriva.   

BACK TO THE FUTURE

21^st October 2015, unless you’ve been hiding under a stone, aren’t a fan of 80s Sci fi films executively produced by Steven Spielberg or just simply can’t stand the music of Huey Lewis and the News, you can’t fail to have noticed that the moment has finally arrived where what was once depicted as a look into our future has just become yet another date set firmly in the past.

For as those of you who are familiar with the back to the future films will be aware, that aforementioned date is the exact point in time when Marty Mcfly and Doc Brown jumped into the Delorean for a second time and embarked on a trip of discovery to see what life had in store for them 30 years in the future.

Once there they encountered various new fangled ideas and gadgets and so it got me thinking about which ones would make my life a bit easier if they actually did exist in real life in 2015.

Self tying shoelaces would be a godsend for those who have kids who can spend the best part of a morning getting ready to go out then have to stop numerous times en route because they haven’t fastened their laces securely.

The adjusting to fit clothing could save parents thousands on paying out for new uniform items sometimes just weeks after purchasing because juniors body has decided to schedule a growth spurt in just at that very moment.

And trying to guess whether or not to risk putting out the washing in this manically changeable weather would be a thing of the past if everything came with a self drying mode built in.

But mostly I wonder would I find trying to pass my driving test much easier, if instead of motoring along the highways and spending every lesson painstakingly trying to master my parallel parking, reversing round a corner and other manoeuvres, I took to the skies in a vehicle that hovered and flew?

PLASTIC SNAG

We’re a funny old lot with what we can find to moan about, aren’t we?

There are plenty of other more important things we could be getting our knickers in a twist over but goodness me to hear some people complaining about having to pay 5p for a carrier bag as of 5th October you’d think that the world was ending.

“What a rip off “, “yet another way to con money out of us “, just a selection of the sort of statements you can hear from customers who are forced into delving deep into the darkest corners of their pockets or purses to find that small silver coin that normally ends up in their change jars just so that they have something to transport their groceries home in.

But is it really just the cost issue that’s to blame for all the huffing and puffing at having to pay for your bit of polythene or are there other issues at play for our grumbling at the till.

I know I for one will miss having something to store my paper and plastics in thus saving me from numerous trips outside to the recycling bags and bins whilst my partner and kids will have to find an alternative vessel with which to convey their lunches to work and school.

 There’ll be no more free plastic rain hats or temporary shoe protectors in a downpour and much as I don’t want to return to one of my favourite subjects once again I really do hope that this isn’t yet another excuse for some not to pick their dog poo up anymore.

However much as it is a pain not being able to just grab a carrier and go any longer there are some silver linings in having to invest in and remember your own sturdy bags for life or fabric shoppers you know .

For there’ll be no more having to plead with the handles to hang on in there till you get home before snapping, no gaping holes being sliced through the flimsy plastic the moment anything sharp comes in contact with it or having to chase your errant shopping when the bottom of your bag gives way and sends its contents careering down the road.

And if you’re a Primark shopper anything has got to be better than their brown paper bags that while biodegradable and good for the environment are liable to turn to paper mache if the heavens open suddenly during your shopping spree.

So come on stop moaning about paying and give bringing your own a go after all with Christmas round the corner just think what you could do with all those 5ps you’ve been saving .

It feels good to think you aren’t just watching your money down the drain and with your robust cotton groceries bag doing its job hopefully your shopping won’t be doing that either .

 

 

ROAD HOGS

I understand some people look upon their vehicles as an extension of their personality.

They buff them, clean them and care for them with as much love as they have for a member of their own family.

Give them a name, fill them with accessories, perhaps even purchase them a little something so that they are scented with a beautiful fragrance.

So seeing the amount of tender loving care lavished upon some people’s four wheeled friends maybe it should be totally understandable that their owner couldn’t possibly bring themselves to soil their beautiful interior with any kind of rubbish be it cigarette box , food wrapper or drink bottle ,so down comes the window and off out into the great wide world it goes .

But sorry no , I don’t get it , it’s just ignorant and disgusting , especially when you could just stop and find a bin or dispose of it when you get home.

SLIMMING GIRL...PART 2 ....HOW ARE THINGS GOING ?

I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t wanted to faceplant a bag of chips or sell my soul to the devil in exchange for a bar of something confectionary and I’m quite impressed I didn’t immediately dive into a mega bucket for one to drown my sorrows after being presented with the world’s most depressing salad in KFC featuring limp lettuce and a couple of past their best manky tomatoes .

But despite those little moments of temptation I’ve managed more or less to keep on the straight and narrow with my weight watching  and I’m noticing the improvements it’s making to my fitness levels, stamina and health in general already and that in itself is a major reason to keep on going even when sometimes I might be faltering .

Because if just having lost 6 pounds so far is making me feel this good , imagine how amazing I’m going to feel once I’ve reached my goal weight .

BECAUSEICOULDNTSEE

What to do for the boy’s birthday this year, hmm I know lets book tickets to see that comedian that always has them in stitches whenever they watch him on TV.

An internet search and a slight panic that we might be out of luck as each venue we click on only has single seats available in various parts of the building later, we finally hit the jackpot when we manage to find a date at the O2 that not only has four seats free but are also in the same row of the arena.

Bingo!

We’ve got what we were after and following 30 minutes of negotiating the minefield of timed code cracking and form filling in that is purchasing tickets online, the confirmation pings itself into the inbox of emails received  .

So now we are eagerly awaiting the date to arrive when we’ll take the trip up to the Greenwich peninsula to see Michael Mcintyre in all his hilarious glory.

Of course I say see, but while viewing won’t be a problem for my lofty other half and the boys who are certainly following in their father’s footsteps when it comes to being of an elevated stature, I can almost guarantee to you that one person won’t be seeing the show nearly quite as clearly as most of the other people in the arena.

For being the height of an average 12 year old, means that I’ve spent more than a fair bit of my life having, if you’ll pardon the pun, to go to great lengths in order to view what’s going on in front of me.

Gigs by my favourite bands watched through the crook of someone’s elbow or perched precariously up on chairs, rails or any available ledges have been the norm for me for as long as i can remember and even inspired me to pick a horse in the grand national one year just because his name “becauseicouldntsee “reminded me of my constant battle to try and observe anything.

 However I’m hoping as the venue is seated this time i might not experience the same difficulties I’ve encountered previously but nothing is guaranteed.

I mean who’s to say there’s not someone with a penchant for large hats, enormous hair or who gives the world’s tallest person a run for their money, sat in front of their computer at this very moment, finger hovering over the mouse trying to decide whether to purchase that single seat left in the arena that lo and behold is right in little old Nina’s field of viewing.

Nothing is certain, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

 Or not as the case maybe.

In the meantime, I wonder if the Dragons would be interested in investing in a range of adult booster seats and boxes to stand on for the vertically challenged like me?