TEARS ,TANTRUMS AND TINSEL or XMAS PARTY DIST-DRESS

 
IT'S 10 am  at Bluewater on  friday morning and  I'm in dire need of  a course of therapy to convince myself i havent become some kind of victorian sideshow freak overnight .

The cause of my sense of humour failure ? That seasonal torture lots of women will identify with , the buying of the all important " XMAS PARTY DRESS "

This has'nt gone well for me in previous years but  spurred on by new found confidence from having lost two stone since we'd been to the last one I thought maybe this time it would be a much more enjoyable experience . surely this time I would have much more to choose from than just the fat girl section .

But alas this was not to be the case as a few things become apparent as i traipse from shop to shop on the edge of  a nervous breakdown  .......


1 ) Losing two stone does not automatically mean your ' fifties siren ' sized jugs will now magically fit into dresses and if they do they will hang attractively out of the side any arm hole or squeeze the excess flab round to the rear of any strapless gown creating a back muffin top.

2) You may have that ' ENVIABLE HOURGLASS ' figure now but most dresses waistbands dont take the boob area into account and you will have to either yank yourself about all over the shop to get into it or climb in through the neckline and shake yourself into place like a human pillowcase .

3) Whoever invented the side zip was obviously an idiot as to get one done up requires contortion skills best seen in the chinese state circus , its made even worse if you have large boobs cos then you need several pairs of hands to hold the panels of the dress together whilst simultaneously doing the zip up .

4 ) Large boobage means that any vaguely fashionable shop is out straight away , i might be way too small for an evans size 16 ( which hangs from me and in my other halfs words ' makes you look pregnant ' ) but in oasis , urban outfitters , miss selfridge etc you might as well put the label '  please laugh as you watch me cry while attempting  to try on your garments  ' around my neck .

5 ) A less than complimentary other half  loudly doing his best simon cowell impression on every outfit  doesnt do much for your well-being . In fact by the time he's broadcast the " MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE THE MICHELIN MAN " comment in front of everyone in ' COAST ' I'm trying to quell the urge to string him up from the rafters with the silk sash from said  cocktail frock .

6) At just 5ft any kind of long evening gown is out straight away as i look like someones little girl trying on mummys best dress ,all i need is the far too big high heels and a slick of robert smith from the cure style lipstick and im good to go

7) And while we're on the subject of shoes , i know some women like those massive stripper style heels but i cant walk in them , I look like a baby giraffe just trying his legs out for the first time so its a nice court or dolly shoe for me with a nice sturdy heel . im clumsy enough as it is without wearing something thats going to turn me into a walking" you've been framed" clip .

 SO there you have it , my torture is over , i did eventually find an outfit that didnt require cirque de soleil acrobat skills to get into it in good old dotty p's , it gets its first outing tomorrow night so wish me luck and I'll see you all at the valium counter again next year .

BASH THE BISHOP

ABOUT this time of year our thoughts turn to the school nativity play and telling our children of how Mary bore the child of the Lord God Almighty and brought him up to be the stuff of legend . It wasnt a nice easy birth was it , you try riding a donkey all the way to Bethlehem when you feel the size of a small house with possibly the worst case of haemorrhoids ever seen since channel 4's embarrassing illnesses.To also then find when you get there that the only accommodation available is a shedful of animals and a feeding trough is your newborn's travel cot would be a bit gutting to say the least .  We might complain about our own N.H.S but at least you didnt have 3 total stranger's suddenley turning up at your bedside with gifts for your child , unless of course you know Jimmy Savile , Johnathon King and Gary Glitter personally . And as for someone being sent to kill your son because King Herod was a little bit concerned he might lose his throne , well it doesnt hold well for a bright and happy childhood .
But Mary she got stuck right in and brought him up to be a good boy who instead of going off the rails after finding out that  joseph wasnt actually his real dad ( his real dad being someone who came in the night and never seen again , its all a bit jeremy kyle is'nt it ) went on to help millions of people and be generally helpful all round . Even when he got into a little bit of trouble in his later years she was there for him like a good mother should be .

SO why is it that a woman is NOT allowed to hold a position of power in the church ? WHY can't we have female bishops ?

WHAT'S the problem , do you think that they'll be too busy worrying ' does my bum look big in this cassock ? ' or whether this handbag goes with this mitre . Come off it chaps , these are educated smart women not footballers wives or reality show wannabe's , they know what the job entails . Maybe half the problem is that you know theres a pretty good chance that they'll probably be better at being a bishop than you are and that wouldn't do now ,would it . Maybe you want to take the vote back off us and stop us wearing trousers too while your at it .

SOME  might say its like the Suffragettes never happened but then again your so out of touch you probably think they're the new X factor girl band .