TEARS ,TANTRUMS AND TINSEL or XMAS PARTY DIST-DRESS

 
IT'S 10 am  at Bluewater on  friday morning and  I'm in dire need of  a course of therapy to convince myself i havent become some kind of victorian sideshow freak overnight .

The cause of my sense of humour failure ? That seasonal torture lots of women will identify with , the buying of the all important " XMAS PARTY DRESS "

This has'nt gone well for me in previous years but  spurred on by new found confidence from having lost two stone since we'd been to the last one I thought maybe this time it would be a much more enjoyable experience . surely this time I would have much more to choose from than just the fat girl section .

But alas this was not to be the case as a few things become apparent as i traipse from shop to shop on the edge of  a nervous breakdown  .......


1 ) Losing two stone does not automatically mean your ' fifties siren ' sized jugs will now magically fit into dresses and if they do they will hang attractively out of the side any arm hole or squeeze the excess flab round to the rear of any strapless gown creating a back muffin top.

2) You may have that ' ENVIABLE HOURGLASS ' figure now but most dresses waistbands dont take the boob area into account and you will have to either yank yourself about all over the shop to get into it or climb in through the neckline and shake yourself into place like a human pillowcase .

3) Whoever invented the side zip was obviously an idiot as to get one done up requires contortion skills best seen in the chinese state circus , its made even worse if you have large boobs cos then you need several pairs of hands to hold the panels of the dress together whilst simultaneously doing the zip up .

4 ) Large boobage means that any vaguely fashionable shop is out straight away , i might be way too small for an evans size 16 ( which hangs from me and in my other halfs words ' makes you look pregnant ' ) but in oasis , urban outfitters , miss selfridge etc you might as well put the label '  please laugh as you watch me cry while attempting  to try on your garments  ' around my neck .

5 ) A less than complimentary other half  loudly doing his best simon cowell impression on every outfit  doesnt do much for your well-being . In fact by the time he's broadcast the " MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE THE MICHELIN MAN " comment in front of everyone in ' COAST ' I'm trying to quell the urge to string him up from the rafters with the silk sash from said  cocktail frock .

6) At just 5ft any kind of long evening gown is out straight away as i look like someones little girl trying on mummys best dress ,all i need is the far too big high heels and a slick of robert smith from the cure style lipstick and im good to go

7) And while we're on the subject of shoes , i know some women like those massive stripper style heels but i cant walk in them , I look like a baby giraffe just trying his legs out for the first time so its a nice court or dolly shoe for me with a nice sturdy heel . im clumsy enough as it is without wearing something thats going to turn me into a walking" you've been framed" clip .

 SO there you have it , my torture is over , i did eventually find an outfit that didnt require cirque de soleil acrobat skills to get into it in good old dotty p's , it gets its first outing tomorrow night so wish me luck and I'll see you all at the valium counter again next year .