THE GREAT BRITISH SEWING ME ?

SOMETIMES THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY " SEAM "

A major fallacy has been going around about me for years

There's Nina , oh shes so arty , so crafty , she creates some really great stuff

and herein lies the untruth

Granted , I do like to make something my own with a few personal touches and my kids fancy dress outfits for school have been the stuff of legend at times but in reality I am not all that I "seam".

For that perfect seamstress and design maven everyone has me down as , she's a work of fiction ,a fraud. Someone who is able to convince you of brilliance with a sleight of hand so quick that you don't see the dropped stitches hanging in its wake.

While I would love to be that sort of person who can whip up a beautiful needlefelt robin to be kept for years to come or creating a patchwork quilt that can be kept and treasured as a family heirloom , my patience levels with anything vaguely intricate tends to put paid to any of that kind of pretentious frippery. And besides that Kirstie  Allsopp , she's a little bit on the annoying and patronising side isn't she ?......

With the aid of smoke and mirrors I have managed to convince people of seeing greatness in my creations but in reality if you look beneath the surface I am a major doyenne in the art of "yeah fuck it, that'll do ".

From handmade aprons for birthday presents that have caused stress of epic proportions to the set of new chair cushion covers for my brother that nearly broke me for life ,  if there's a way in which I can cut corners on professional finish , I'm in there like a shot.

The first notions of being not quite the crafty person I had myself down for came as a youngster after being taught to knit by my nanna then my mum , the look of frustration on their faces as I once again produced a piece of knitting so full of holes from dropped stitches it could've been used as a rope ladder was rivalled only by the one I used to get from my brother in the early 90s as he tried to teach me how to play the electric guitar. I can only assume the fact that I was his sister stopped him from slamming the instrument into my head like a member of the who !

School textiles lessons ought to have been another pinpointer on where my skills don't really lay. I can only imagine Mrs Allen , our textiles teacher must've locked herself in the materials cupboard sobbing  rocking back and forth after yet another lesson  of " miss, miss , I think I've broken the machine again miss "

To this day I bet she's never encountered another pupil who was able to take a simple rag doll pattern and muck it up so spectacularly that the end result was some club footed monstrosity that made the elephant man look like a male model ....And as for my attempt at a cushion , I'm quite surprised she didn't have a nervous breakdown after all those times it had to be cut from the machine with threads spooling out left and right.

So you'd think i'd have given up my crafting ventures with disasters such as these but no, I ploughed on trying and sometimes not quite getting it right .
I'm a dab hand at sewing on buttons , fixing hems and customising something off my own back but give me a pattern to follow and I start to hyperventilate. I'm a freestyle crafter if its not quite how it should look I'll do something to make it look right but I'm not going to waste my time sitting unpicking it and measuring and all that faffing about . I'm a trickster who will make you believe that the ancient greek outfits I've created for school have taken lots of time when all I've done is cut a few holes in a pillowcase and spray painted a few accessories gold.

In fact I can't understand how there are parents moaning about having to spend money on all the different theme days they have when I've managed to create various prize winning outfits from stuff I've had laying round the house . Who needs an expensive on line purchased outfit they are going to wear  a handful of times when you can produce loads of different things out of old clothing and household junk. From stuff I've had at home we've managed to produce kings , mummies , knights, pirates, snowmen, robins, harry hill and even a whoppee cushion. anything is possible with a little imagination !
I'm also a bit of a maverick on the clothes fixing side , I have over the years worked out that if something doesn't fit or suit my slightly over generous top half, a quick lop off of the collar and a cut in V neck does wonders for the fit of a garment . I've had my disasters there , the vintage dress that completely exploded down the front after too much pressure on a slightly dubious sewn  v neck from the heaving bosom underneath springs to mind but hey these things are sent to try us.
 Yes I could learn to do it properly but then where's the fun in that !

So what if  I'm no Vivienne Westwood and my tailoring skills would have Savile Row in fits. I love my cack handed attempts at craft and at least they will keep you all in stitches .

ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND POO-TIFUL

IRRESPONSIBLE DOG OWNERS - A MESS-AGE TO YOU

MONDAY morning 8.30 , you're on the school run and wondering why the person in front of you is doing the Ministry of Silly Walks.

But no , the world hasn’t suddenly gone ” Pythonesque ” it’s just that although we should be admiring the beautiful colours of spring they’ve just fallen foul of a pavement that's 50 shades of brown.

For while the majority of dog owners are responsible there are still a few who lack the basic etiquette in picking up after their pooch even when provided with one of over 700 dog litter bins in Medway.

If you recall, we were encouraged to start scooping the poop in 1996 when the Dog Fouling Act first came into place. The reason behind it being that scientists had discovered that dog/cat faeces had been found to contain the roundworm parasite which can cause Toxocariasis. An infection which if caught by humans could cause headaches, nausea, stomach pains and serious eye disorders that can last for 6-24 months. Just one single dog poo can contain up to at least 1 million microscopic roundworm eggs and these in turn can live for up to 2 years in soil which makes it one of the biggest carriers of the parasite as the poo degrades into it. For humans to contract Toxocariasis they have to come into contact with and ingest infected soil/sand such as that in kids play areas but it can be caught through direct contact with dogs/cats or inanimate objects as well such as shoe soles and pram/buggy wheels. So remember kids when mum tells you to wash your hands and wipe your feet , she's got a good reason for it !

kb.keepbritaintidy.org/dogs/publications/guidedog.pdf 

So that description of the consequences of not picking up after your animal should be enough to turn the stomach of even the hardiest of irresponsible dog owners and make them change their ways but sadly that's not the case.

I mean maybe I was a Womble in a former life but when one of my sons (as a toddler I hasten to add !) decided to crouch down on a packed beach in Broadstairs and take a massive dump on the edge of the seashore my first thought was to grab something to clear it up. So what is the problem with these people who feel that it's not their responsibility to pick up after their " little darlings". 

 On a short walk to the shops recently I lost count of the amount of times I had to shout ' look out ' to make sure my boys didn't step in various piles of faeces en route.
Some are just mere yards apart as if the dog and owner are laying a trail to find their way back home in a bizarre ' Hansel and Gretel ' parody.

And then of course we also have the 'part time' responsible dog owner , yeah you know who I'm talking about. The ones who think they are being good because they've bagged it up but when there's no bin in sight chuck it on the ground or even worse up in a tree or bush like some twisted and macabre Christmas decoration.

 In the freezing temperatures we've been having recently you'd think they'd appreciate having something warm in their pockets till they can dispose of it but hey ho......
(Incidentally after taking the photo above I turned round to walk away and stuck my size five boot straight into a big pile of the offending stuff we are talking about. The irony of the situation was not lost on me although my sense of humour did take leave for a few seconds!)

A common line you hear from the non picker uppers is that they didn't have a bag on them . That's a bit lame if you ask me, there are a couple of reasons you take your dog out for a walk, one is exercise and the other ? Well ,that's the thing you need the bag for, it's a bit of  a no brainer really. It doesn't have to be a fancy doggy poo bag ,baby nappy sacks, sandwich bags or a normal carrier will do the job just as well ( although you might want to look out for the holes in supermarket bags ! ). And seeing as you can also pick up bags from libraries and other community hubs you've really got no reason to not have one about your person.

Next up  " there was no bin for me to put it in " . Granted , at times there is some distance between you and the next dog litter receptacle but the fact is you can actually put your dog poo in a normal bin as long as its been securely bagged up so that's that argument out the window too.

You could feign ignorance of any law that says you should pick up their poop but unless you're blind ( a possible side effect of toxocariasis as it happens , that'll teach you not to clean up after your dog ! ) you can't fail to notice the bright yellow signs applied to many a lamp-post ( we could possibly be stereotyping where dogs like to hang out here but I digress ). They warn you that there is a fixed penalty of £80 to pay for letting your dog foul here and that can increase to a maximum of £1000 if you are found to be persistently offending the pavement with your dogs business.

Medway Council try to do their bit to keep the streets clean with regular patrols from community /plain clothes officers and a machine dedicated to picking up mess from green land areas such as parks and fields. However they can only take action when one of their officers actually witnesses someone failing to pick up their dog litter. They will always give a fine when they can and we can give them a helping hand in identifying the culprits. If you observe anyone letting their dog foul the pavement regularly you can report them to their LOVE MEDWAY PAGE . Note down details of the offender and their animal and let them know at this link. -http://www.medway.gov.uk/environmentandplanning/wastemanagement/lovemedway.aspx .
There's a chance if you tell someone to pick up their canines poo that you might get a mouthful of abuse but I doubt they'd be quite so vocal if confronted by a member of the police. 3 fixed penalty rates have been issued between 2012 -2013 if we all start being a bit more vigilant maybe we could make that rate a bit higher.

 Something else that I think would definitely make these inconsiderate dog owners sit up and take notice is if they realised that through their own selfishness they are adding to the amount of taxes they are having to pay. With the counties total bill for clearing up litter ( including graffiti and dog mess )coming in at approximately 15 million for the past year they'd soon have something to say if they realised their hard earned ( or not as the case may be )cash was being frittered away on someone else having to pick up something they could do themselves for free .

In perspective the amount of cash being spent on it could be put towards training 700 N.H.S nurses or fixing 300,000 potholes in our roads.

It's something to think about isn't it ?

And if that's not enough let me finish with this

In the area where I live there is a man who walks his dog regularly everyday despite having lost both his legs and being confined to a wheelchair . He without fail also makes sure that if his dog does its business on that walk that it's cleared up and disposed of in the correct way even if it does take a bit of major operation for him to achieve this .

So to those of you who do continue to flout your responsibility, I hope you're ashamed of yourselves , he's a credit to us all .