THE GREAT BRITISH SEWING ME ?

SOMETIMES THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY " SEAM "

A major fallacy has been going around about me for years

There's Nina , oh shes so arty , so crafty , she creates some really great stuff

and herein lies the untruth

Granted , I do like to make something my own with a few personal touches and my kids fancy dress outfits for school have been the stuff of legend at times but in reality I am not all that I "seam".

For that perfect seamstress and design maven everyone has me down as , she's a work of fiction ,a fraud. Someone who is able to convince you of brilliance with a sleight of hand so quick that you don't see the dropped stitches hanging in its wake.

While I would love to be that sort of person who can whip up a beautiful needlefelt robin to be kept for years to come or creating a patchwork quilt that can be kept and treasured as a family heirloom , my patience levels with anything vaguely intricate tends to put paid to any of that kind of pretentious frippery. And besides that Kirstie  Allsopp , she's a little bit on the annoying and patronising side isn't she ?......

With the aid of smoke and mirrors I have managed to convince people of seeing greatness in my creations but in reality if you look beneath the surface I am a major doyenne in the art of "yeah fuck it, that'll do ".

From handmade aprons for birthday presents that have caused stress of epic proportions to the set of new chair cushion covers for my brother that nearly broke me for life ,  if there's a way in which I can cut corners on professional finish , I'm in there like a shot.

The first notions of being not quite the crafty person I had myself down for came as a youngster after being taught to knit by my nanna then my mum , the look of frustration on their faces as I once again produced a piece of knitting so full of holes from dropped stitches it could've been used as a rope ladder was rivalled only by the one I used to get from my brother in the early 90s as he tried to teach me how to play the electric guitar. I can only assume the fact that I was his sister stopped him from slamming the instrument into my head like a member of the who !

School textiles lessons ought to have been another pinpointer on where my skills don't really lay. I can only imagine Mrs Allen , our textiles teacher must've locked herself in the materials cupboard sobbing  rocking back and forth after yet another lesson  of " miss, miss , I think I've broken the machine again miss "

To this day I bet she's never encountered another pupil who was able to take a simple rag doll pattern and muck it up so spectacularly that the end result was some club footed monstrosity that made the elephant man look like a male model ....And as for my attempt at a cushion , I'm quite surprised she didn't have a nervous breakdown after all those times it had to be cut from the machine with threads spooling out left and right.

So you'd think i'd have given up my crafting ventures with disasters such as these but no, I ploughed on trying and sometimes not quite getting it right .
I'm a dab hand at sewing on buttons , fixing hems and customising something off my own back but give me a pattern to follow and I start to hyperventilate. I'm a freestyle crafter if its not quite how it should look I'll do something to make it look right but I'm not going to waste my time sitting unpicking it and measuring and all that faffing about . I'm a trickster who will make you believe that the ancient greek outfits I've created for school have taken lots of time when all I've done is cut a few holes in a pillowcase and spray painted a few accessories gold.

In fact I can't understand how there are parents moaning about having to spend money on all the different theme days they have when I've managed to create various prize winning outfits from stuff I've had laying round the house . Who needs an expensive on line purchased outfit they are going to wear  a handful of times when you can produce loads of different things out of old clothing and household junk. From stuff I've had at home we've managed to produce kings , mummies , knights, pirates, snowmen, robins, harry hill and even a whoppee cushion. anything is possible with a little imagination !
I'm also a bit of a maverick on the clothes fixing side , I have over the years worked out that if something doesn't fit or suit my slightly over generous top half, a quick lop off of the collar and a cut in V neck does wonders for the fit of a garment . I've had my disasters there , the vintage dress that completely exploded down the front after too much pressure on a slightly dubious sewn  v neck from the heaving bosom underneath springs to mind but hey these things are sent to try us.
 Yes I could learn to do it properly but then where's the fun in that !

So what if  I'm no Vivienne Westwood and my tailoring skills would have Savile Row in fits. I love my cack handed attempts at craft and at least they will keep you all in stitches .