SOMETIMES ITS THE THINGS THAT ARE SAID THAT CUT DEEP INSIDE ......

WITH Nigella and husband splashed all over the front pages its hard to avoid the subject of domestic abuse .We all gasped in horror at the sight of him clutching her by the throat and derided him when he dismissed it as " just a playful tiff ". He may now have accepted the charge of assaulting her but has this taught him that it is not an acceptable way to treat the one you love.
They alone only know what happened that day in the restaurant but so often what we do see can be just a hint of what we don't see.
Sometimes that which is visible isn't the main problem. It's not always the broken limbs and bruises that cause the pain but the things that are said that cut deep inside.

Domestic abuse isn't always something you can see.

Mental abuse is a silent stalker , a ninja that creeps up on you when you least expect it and plants itself so carefully in your psyche that often you don't notice its happening until its too late.

Take a friend of mine ,for instance , she'd been seeing someone for a couple of weeks that she really liked, others had warned her off him because there was quite an age gap but she ignored that because he made her feel special. He'd tell her how lovely she was, compliment her on how she looked and generally revel in the fact his missus was young and beautiful.

Gifts were lavished on her and no expense was spared for his favourite girl as he wined and dined her to show how much he loved her

Except one day she wasn't his favourite girl anymore. A couple of months into the relationship the good food and drink had started to take its inevitable toll on her waistline and being chauffeured everywhere by her own personal driver didn't help either.
What had been compliments of " you look sexy in that " started to become " eurgh , you look gross " and much worse. The comments that had once lifted her spirits high in the air were now sending her on a crash course with the ground. The more she heard of how awful she was , the more she started to believe that it was true ,that she truly was so disgusting that she was lucky to have found him because no-one else would want her. And it wasn't just her body image he started to destroy , soon he found that  chipping away at her mind had an equally pleasing effect and he wasn't going to stop until she knew where she belonged.in other words , rock bottom

She couldn't do anything right as far as he was concerned and if it wasn't done to his high standards there was no point in bothering at all. At every opportunity he would criticize how she did things and compare her to others saying that she'd never make anything of herself because she was so pathetic. Her hair colour or style ( "if you loved me you'd wear your hair long , curly and blonde" )were never right for him and as for her clothes he'd seen homeless people dressed better.
He had cunningly seen off the few friends and pleasures she did have by branding them ridiculous and stupid and he would have soon started on her family if she hadn't have found the back bone one day to warn him off .
Tired of being branded a clown and useless she got her own back as he sat typing a letter of complaint one afternoon  to someone about something stupid she had caused , she quietly left the house and started walking ....

She walked for miles and miles until she came across a phone box and called the only person she knew could help and her dad drove and picked her up and took her back to the bosom of the family she knew would protect her no matter what.

Now we'd all like to think that happy ending finishes there but things don't always go the way we plan.

The former Mr Wonderful being the great charmer that he was soon managed to weedle his way back into her life, he promised to change ( surprise , surprise ) and pretty soon she was back under his spell. She joined a slimming club and they were back as they had been before.

The icing on the cake was when she found out she was expecting after struggling to conceive for two years ( her fault obviously because as he liked to point out he already had a child from a previous relationship) and they set about getting ready for the new arrival. The odd comment had been made about her burgeoning weight gain but she brushed it aside not wishing to dwell on it.

A difficult birth when the time came meant a lot of bed rest and steroids left her looking like Geoff capes twin sister but soon she was home trying to settle into motherhood with differing levels of success.
And all too soon the same old things started to raise their ugly heads again and this time there were new criticisms  " you shouldn't have had kids if you cant look after them " , " don't do it like that " , you're doing it wrong ". Six weeks after the birth she was handed herbal slimming tablets by him as a "present " because she needed to start thinking about getting back  in shape now if she wanted him to still find her attractive (before conceiving she had been told that she was only allowed to get pregnant if she didn't " become grotesque again " afterwards) she took one and was so scared by the spaced out feeling she experienced she promptly chucked the rest away.
The child's restlessness at bedtime didn't help matters as she tried in vain to get him to sleep in his own bed and not howl all night. as her man had to work she was up most of the night and the tiredness made for tears and rows constantly. one particular night junior could not be settled and his father stormed into the room and shouted " I'll give him something to cry about" and reached out to smack the baby across the legs .
Mothering instinct kicking in she saw red and lashed out to protect her child , her small frame compared to his towering bulk was no contest but she reigned the blows onto his weak spots as only someone trying to protect you could. He traded some blows back but she could see he was shocked at the change in her .
No more did she burst into tears when he backed her into corners when they fought , no more did she cower away from him in fights , she had found her strength and no pocket full of kryptonite was going to take the powers away from her again .

The comments still kept coming of how awful she was but now she swept them aside and believed in herself not in what he had to say , she started to achieve stuff and he suddenly became aware that he was the weak one who didn't have the upper hand anymore.

Her life isn't perfect and occasionally she still has a little wobble on the self confidence front with regards to what she's doing or how she looks but she's getting better at believing in herself and how brilliant she is. Its taken a long time but she finally knows she is capable of anything and no-ones going to tell her what to do with her life anymore. and if they do she shouts them down like a foghorn !

So look out for those who you think aren't being treated right by those who claim to love them , yours might be the helping hand they need .

Daddy's girl

Dear Dad ,

               Up on one of  my shelves at home is a book . I don't intend on reading again anytime soon but despite this it stays there on that shelf and never gets contemplated as something to go in the sack destined for the charity shop.

A biography of snooker player Stephen Hendry , its a subject I have no interest in anymore like I did when I had a passing fancy for him at about the age of 13 but I'll never throw away for simply one reason  , you bought it for me.

There it was one Christmas years ago , something you'd gone out and bought just for me because you knew I'd like it . It wasn't a regular occurrence in our house usually mum was the sole xmas present buyer and you were glad to let her get on with it but here it was a special present labelled up " To Nina love from dad " . You'd even taken me to see the man himself play an exhibition match a couple of months earlier at the Woodville halls in Gravesend , it might not seem like much to others reading this now but at the time I was delighted ( he was actually really friendly and charming at the meet and greet afterwards despite his media image that portrayed him as a bit grumpy )and the book took pride of place in my bedroom bookcase.

As the years passed by the fancy for him faded just like the one I'd had for Phillip Schofield and Morten from A-ha  previously ( although I have to admit pip is a bit of a silver fox these days , sorry pre menopausal hormones kicking in there and don't get me started on chris packham, cor i'd still go " really wild" for him  now ! ) and the reality of real boyfriends not imaginary ones started to kick the teenage hormones raging around my body into gear.

Quite luckily for you I was a bit of a late starter on the boys front , I didn't have my first proper boyfriend till I was in my late teens and when I did bring my first one home I saw you take stock of his long Goth rocker curly hair and I'm pretty sure the fact he wore more make up than me and nail varnish wasn't lost on you but you were still polite to him because he was with me . He did turn out to be a total wally in the end but you never said I told you so just let me do what I thought I needed to do to try and find my way along in life . I was aware that you called him " the yeti " in true dad from citizen smith style behind his back but looking back he did deserve it , he was a truly pretentious bad poetry writing twat !As if to show your appreciation that  I'd finally come to my senses every other person who I went out with after that was gifted with the observation " are you sure he's here for you he's a bit ......normal looking ".

We never really fell out over boys , so what did we fall out over , oh yes lets start with my clothing , a major headache that was between us but unlike other father/ daughters ours was never of the " youre not going out dressed like that " variety . no , ours were of the " are you really going to wear that out " kind . I'd always been your little girly girl as a youngster but as I grew up into a moody teenager in the early 90s the advent of grunge fashion and a desire to cut my hair short had you going mad that I wasn't making the best of myself and that I was never going to get a man dressed like that . My grandma , your mum even hinted one day after I'd had a particularly short haircut that maybe I batted for the other team , which while I did indeed have a massive girl crush on drew Barrymore was totally not who I was (I would totally still do drew though ). I still remember one Christmas day you refused to take me round to see the grandparents if I insisted on wearing my biker jacket and jeans.....

Which leads me into that common misconception lots of people have about you , my dad through other peoples eyes is the most easy going man ever , doesn't let anyone get him down , its the same with a lot of  dads I reckon but lets face it kids there's always that one moment when you know its all going to kick off and its best to get as far away as possible  . In our house it was called " throwing a wobbler " and you were famous for yours . You would go from nice amiable chap to the incredible hulk within a matter of seconds , this wouldn't be just a normal paddy this would be a full on freak out with special effects. these were sometimes brought on by you having bottled something bothering you up and then letting of steam but more often than not the common cause would be something to do with d.i.y. The story of how you lost your rag trying to get something level and knocked down the bannister with a hammer in your rage became the stuff of legend in our house and lets of course not for get the time you got a bit cross with us not putting our shoes away and kicked mums WOODEN clogs straight through the glass of the front door ( which got repaired after a couple of months only for you to do it again a few weeks later !).  I can now see where my total lack of patience with anything vaguely difficult or intricate comes from , in fact I know that my threatening the computer with a bunch of fives when it wont do what I want it to is my page family inheritance right there .

I know there are some people who don't get on with their fathers and believe me I know we haven't always  got on at times .

Be it the time I fell all the way down the stairs and instead of asking if I was ok you told me off for swearing loudly as I landed in a heap at the bottom or those times when you really didn't get why there wasn't time for you to take a shower before I had to be somewhere in the next 20 minutes. but underneath all the little niggles and foibles we have there has always been a lot of love there.

What person would have got up and driven to pick his kids up from a nightclub at 2 in the morning cos they couldn't get a cab or picked them up from that disastrous date where your beau had drunk so much he'd passed out snoring in a packed pub.

What other man would come out and pick his daughter up as she rang to say she'd walked out on her other  half after he'd flown into a massive rage over something trivial and called her pathetic yet again to the point where she was starting to believe it.

what man would then tell her that if he doesn't like the way that other man speaks to you and will knock his block off if he does it in front of him ever again

and what man will tell the girl who thinks she's made an almighty cock up of being a parent that actually she's one of the best mums ever.

 

as Frenchie says in Grease

 

 

and in my family I guess that's true

 

Happy fathers day dad

 

love Nina xxx

 

HEAT – It ain’t half rot ,mum

 

I can’t deny that Heat magazine is a popular publication with readership stats that at its peak have topped 700,000 but having bought a copy for the first time this week it’s not difficult to see why its average weekly sale has started to lose steam  (Weekly sales are reported to have fallen to 261,715).

From beginning to end it has a tendency to come across like that bitchy group of girls we all knew at school. You know the ones, slagging you off behind the bike sheds as they have a fag because you’ve put on a bit of weight and your clothes aren’t right. The next minute they’re your best mate giving you a makeover and saying how fabulous you look because you’ve embarked on a fitness regime that’s slimmed you down into “ one of them”. And all the while they are bitching about you behind your back hoping you’re not about to run off with their boyfriend.

Editor in chief Lucie Cave was quoted in the Guardian as saying that the magazine is supposed to be “ cheeky and fun not mean “ but in my opinion it all just comes across as a bit vacuous and vacant. Something it has in common with some of the celebs featured inside its hallowed pages.

In short it’s the print equivalent of the cast of The Only Way is Essex.

MUMS-NOT

Dear Mums of Mumsnet ,

                         I don't know if you've read the aim on the about us  page of your favourite website but just to refresh your memories or for those of you who are too busy puréeing mung beans and alfalfa up for little merlin as he sleeps in his fully biodegradable non toxic cot I'll help you out .
       
  Make parents' lives easier by pooling knowledge, advice and support

you see that do you that word at the end that means so much to lots of parents who might struggle a bit from time to time with what junior and siblings might throw at them. you  know that parenthood isn't always a rosy hued Cath Kidston existence all the time do you. you are aware that even though some of us try our best with to keep our adult relationships on track , sometimes the arrival of third , fourth or even fifth member of your gang might be the thing that breaks you for good. 
         you do , ok then maybe you should stop putting down those that don't quite always fit into your happy middle class image of mummies and daddies mould because regardless of whether that person is a Hollywood star or not , they are still a mum/dad who loves their child just as much as you do . is it really so " appalling " that someone might want to have kids with the person she really believes is the right one this time. is your life so wipe clean and perfect that any hint of imperfection is eradicated with multi surface sanitizer spray and bleach.
                                           support is one of the greatest things you can give a woman from the day she starts carrying but all too often some of us leave behind the school bullies only to find ourselves caught in the clutch of the mummy mafia.
              The bullying starts from day one, you must have a natural birth or you have failed the mummy test without passing go . well a massive fit brought on preeclampsia , trying to walk through a bed cos my brain was so addled with toxins my body was slowly poisoning my body with and being technically dead for two minutes on the operating table put paid to my natural birth so I suppose I should have got the doctor to write needs to try harder on my medical report before I went home.
               rule number two of mummy mafia is of course BREAST IS BEST , you must breast feed to not do it means you are the lowest of the low and you're depriving your child of growing up into a future president/brain surgeon in fact it should be classed as child abuse if you don't do it - granted yes breast milk is the best stuff (ask Myleene Klass , she serves it up at dinner parties to her guest apparently ) but please take into account that some mums quite simply cant do it because of illness and other factors , they aren't being lazy they are just doing what is best for them. in my own case I wasn't producing enough for two pesky little blighters and the stress of that including the realisation that i'd given my life over into being what was technically a milking machine for the next however months 24 hours /7 days a week kind of swung it towards using formula for me in the end .
baby bullies aren't always  mums either. I had my other half lecturing me every time the boys caught a cold or got the sniffles that " we" should have breast fed for longer . yes that's right love cos its your massive man boobs they are chomping the hell out of isn't it as you get to leave the house to go out and have that social life I could only dream about now !
 my boys are 10 now , for that terrible sin I committed of not having them naturally and not breast feeding them with all those good things a mothers body can give they haven't done too badly.
they're polite , loving , they are in all the top classes at school and about to take an 11 plus exam that their teachers' expect them to fly through . I've even been told by complete strangers that my kids are a credit to me for being so well behaved so have that all you smug yummy mummies who let me believe I did it all wrong , I gave them the one thing that's really important in a child's life.
                                 love and if a child is loved does it matter who its mum or dad is ?
                                                                             P.S- Rod Stewart has 8 children by 5 women so go hassle him about being an appalling parent because Kate Winslet is small fry compared to him