They alone only know what happened that day in the restaurant but so often what we do see can be just a hint of what we don't see.
Sometimes that which is visible isn't the main problem. It's not always the broken limbs and bruises that cause the pain but the things that are said that cut deep inside.
Domestic abuse isn't always something you can see.
Mental abuse is a silent stalker , a ninja that creeps up on you when you least expect it and plants itself so carefully in your psyche that often you don't notice its happening until its too late.
Take a friend of mine ,for instance , she'd been seeing someone for a couple of weeks that she really liked, others had warned her off him because there was quite an age gap but she ignored that because he made her feel special. He'd tell her how lovely she was, compliment her on how she looked and generally revel in the fact his missus was young and beautiful.
Gifts were lavished on her and no expense was spared for his favourite girl as he wined and dined her to show how much he loved her
Except one day she wasn't his favourite girl anymore. A couple of months into the relationship the good food and drink had started to take its inevitable toll on her waistline and being chauffeured everywhere by her own personal driver didn't help either.
What had been compliments of " you look sexy in that " started to become " eurgh , you look gross " and much worse. The comments that had once lifted her spirits high in the air were now sending her on a crash course with the ground. The more she heard of how awful she was , the more she started to believe that it was true ,that she truly was so disgusting that she was lucky to have found him because no-one else would want her. And it wasn't just her body image he started to destroy , soon he found that chipping away at her mind had an equally pleasing effect and he wasn't going to stop until she knew where she belonged.in other words , rock bottom
She couldn't do anything right as far as he was concerned and if it wasn't done to his high standards there was no point in bothering at all. At every opportunity he would criticize how she did things and compare her to others saying that she'd never make anything of herself because she was so pathetic. Her hair colour or style ( "if you loved me you'd wear your hair long , curly and blonde" )were never right for him and as for her clothes he'd seen homeless people dressed better.
He had cunningly seen off the few friends and pleasures she did have by branding them ridiculous and stupid and he would have soon started on her family if she hadn't have found the back bone one day to warn him off .
Tired of being branded a clown and useless she got her own back as he sat typing a letter of complaint one afternoon to someone about something stupid she had caused , she quietly left the house and started walking ....
She walked for miles and miles until she came across a phone box and called the only person she knew could help and her dad drove and picked her up and took her back to the bosom of the family she knew would protect her no matter what.
Now we'd all like to think that happy ending finishes there but things don't always go the way we plan.
The former Mr Wonderful being the great charmer that he was soon managed to weedle his way back into her life, he promised to change ( surprise , surprise ) and pretty soon she was back under his spell. She joined a slimming club and they were back as they had been before.
The icing on the cake was when she found out she was expecting after struggling to conceive for two years ( her fault obviously because as he liked to point out he already had a child from a previous relationship) and they set about getting ready for the new arrival. The odd comment had been made about her burgeoning weight gain but she brushed it aside not wishing to dwell on it.
A difficult birth when the time came meant a lot of bed rest and steroids left her looking like Geoff capes twin sister but soon she was home trying to settle into motherhood with differing levels of success.
And all too soon the same old things started to raise their ugly heads again and this time there were new criticisms " you shouldn't have had kids if you cant look after them " , " don't do it like that " , you're doing it wrong ". Six weeks after the birth she was handed herbal slimming tablets by him as a "present " because she needed to start thinking about getting back in shape now if she wanted him to still find her attractive (before conceiving she had been told that she was only allowed to get pregnant if she didn't " become grotesque again " afterwards) she took one and was so scared by the spaced out feeling she experienced she promptly chucked the rest away.
The child's restlessness at bedtime didn't help matters as she tried in vain to get him to sleep in his own bed and not howl all night. as her man had to work she was up most of the night and the tiredness made for tears and rows constantly. one particular night junior could not be settled and his father stormed into the room and shouted " I'll give him something to cry about" and reached out to smack the baby across the legs .
Mothering instinct kicking in she saw red and lashed out to protect her child , her small frame compared to his towering bulk was no contest but she reigned the blows onto his weak spots as only someone trying to protect you could. He traded some blows back but she could see he was shocked at the change in her .
No more did she burst into tears when he backed her into corners when they fought , no more did she cower away from him in fights , she had found her strength and no pocket full of kryptonite was going to take the powers away from her again .
The comments still kept coming of how awful she was but now she swept them aside and believed in herself not in what he had to say , she started to achieve stuff and he suddenly became aware that he was the weak one who didn't have the upper hand anymore.
Her life isn't perfect and occasionally she still has a little wobble on the self confidence front with regards to what she's doing or how she looks but she's getting better at believing in herself and how brilliant she is. Its taken a long time but she finally knows she is capable of anything and no-ones going to tell her what to do with her life anymore. and if they do she shouts them down like a foghorn !
So look out for those who you think aren't being treated right by those who claim to love them , yours might be the helping hand they need .
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