SHORT ORDER , ORDER

Order, order! The right honourable gentleman John Bercow has clambered up on his soap box about heightism this week, probably with the aid of a step ladder.

But before you start composing your witty retort to my impudence with that opening statement just let me reassure you that I’m more than qualified to be mounting my high horse on this particular subject , however in my case the towering stallion is possibly more of a Shetland pony .

For I too am one of the vertically challenged and at just 5ft know of the trials and tribulations that being a member of the petite party brings.

In my 39 years I’ve been the butt of many a short person joke, compared tediously and unoriginally to an oompa loompa , one of snow white’s diminutive gentlemen friends and a munchkin dancing with Dorothy down the yellow brick road .

At many an important meeting I’ve sat desperately trying to look grown up as my feet dangle inches from the ground like a toddler on a swing and can regularly be seen intrepidly scaling high rise bar stools in pubs or clubs to reach the seat at its summit.

I’m the fresh faced party goer turned away from a friends nightclub birthday celebrations and told to come back when she’s finished school despite the fact she’s just turned 21 and 8 years later being id-ed for being underage on the eve of her 30^th birthday.

The midget who lurks in the supermarket aisle waiting for someone to help her get something down from that elusive top shelf or expertly devising a plan on how best to traverse the height herself to grab what she needs. A plan that often ends in the purchase of an inferior item because the one she wants is just too far away for her t-rex sized arms to reach.

That said though there are some upsides to being quite a bit below average height, we fit quite well into those small spaces on packed public transport, we never have to mind our heads in those historical old houses with the small front doors and low ceilings and no matter where we get seated we will always have plenty of legroom.

Being small is also associated with youth so a lot of us shorties are often mistaken as being much younger than we really are which is a bit of a downer when you are young and trying to buy alcohol but a real ego booster once you’ve passed the age of 30!

A pint sized stature also makes it easier for you to hide in crowd which is perfect when you’re trying to avoid that person you really don’t want to see or those sales people trying to stop you with their clipboards on the street. If you’re particularly youthful looking and get caught by one of these a quick “I’ll have to ask my mum or dad first “tends to put them off trying to sell you anything I’ve found!

So it’s not all bad being one of the little people Mr. speaker , if you pardon the short pun ,i find it’s best to just rise above it ,even if you do have to invest in a pair of stilts.

MEDWAY MESSENGER - GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN

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