EURO-2016-VISION

(Obviously this should be posted before the post on Eurovision , however as I am a technical dunce and have no idea how to rearrange it as such please do forgive me for the lack of order )

Now, I’m no football pundit, in fact if I were I’d probably be less the smooth suave sophistication of the silver fox that is Gary Lineker and more like the “I have absolutely no idea what’s going on Jeff, but I’ll just try to wing it by making it up as I go along and hope no-one notices” style of Chris Kamara, but wasn’t it great to see Leicester City waltz off with that Premiership League title.

There’s nothing we Brits like better than to see an underdog snatch a victory away from those who were so sure they were going to win just because of their popularity or notoriety who haven’t realised that you have to back up that sort of pomposity with a little bit of effort ,skill and quality .

So I was thinking maybe it might be worth a punt to get Claudio Ranieri to have a word with our UK Eurovision entrants, Joe and Jake, ahead of the song contest next week.

British Ham-stores

Hello children, are we all settled in?

 Sit up straight and face front please that’s lovely, let us begin.

Today I’d like to introduce you to some hardworking mice and tell you all about the trouble they had with a stout and portly feline whose name was Pip.

The main character in our rodent tale is a little mouse called Chris, who your storyteller had the good fortune to grow up with and learn great things from.

 So enough with this idle chit chat, let’s get straight on with setting the scene for our story....

Down amongst the nettles, beneath the brambles and the stones there stood a little store where a group of mice worked their fingers to the bone.

Lampshades and school uniform, cutlery and bedding, vests, pants, socks, stocking fillers, something for your wedding.

You name it and they’d have it, it used to be the only place to go but now business wasn’t quite as brisk, in fact it had become quite slow.

They were struggling to make ends meet one day when a stoutly pussycat came calling, he could help them out he said, he seemed so welcome and warming.

I’ll invest my money in you, I’ll make you happy, just wait and see, purred the stately puss as he requested the crème de la crème for his tea.

One mouse however had her misgivings about their furry saviour; there was something about Pip Vert she didn’t trust, which smelt somewhat of a traitor.

Her suspicions were confirmed one morning as she diligently toiled away, she had yet to meet the new boss face to face and they were due a visit today.

She became aware of someone staring, talking behind her back; she spun round to be confronted with a rotund smug looking cat.

 Who are you she enquired as his breath into her face he blew,

“Don’t you know” he growled into her face, “I own this so I own you”

Angered at his pomposity our heroine did retaliate, you’ll be glad to hear she replied to him with “no-one owns me, mate”.

He chuckled to himself, said I like her she’s got spunk then slunk away to gorge himself on a great big business lunch.

Now Chris Mouse she retired a while ago, left the business well behind but others carried on working for the feline boss thinking they had peace of mind.

That was until Pip Vert jumped ship and their future plans hit the skids as he sailed away on his supermodel laden yacht and sold British Ham-Stores for a quid.

Now they wish they hadn’t trusted the fat cat with the big palatial house and wish they had listened to a small outspoken mouse.

 

 

 

 

EUROMIZMOG

Eurovision, it’s the ultimate in metaphorical marmite, you either love it, hate it or think you’re much smarter than everyone else just because you don’t watch it.

It’s no surprise then that the know it all’s were out in force on social media come May  14^th, with their smart Alec cries of “ maybe I’ve been living on Mars or something but I’m pretty sure last time I looked Australia weren’t part of the European union so how can they be taking part in the competition “

So to set the minds at rest of those who claim not to care but obviously do care quite greatly, our friends down under were invited to take part as guest participants in 2015 to celebrate the 60^th anniversary of the world’s favourite song contest.

 It has been broadcast over there every year since 1983 and has gained a huge cult following.

It was originally meant to be a one off thing however they were offered the chance to take part again in 2016 if this time instead of a guaranteed spot in the final they were willing to compete in the semi finals to secure their place just like everybody else did.

This big hoo-ha over their involvement does make me laugh though when you consider the fact that we, the United Kingdom, have been willing on more than one occasion to let one of our Aussie friends take the lead vocal reins on our entry over the past 60 years of the competition.

In 1974 , Miss Sandy Olson herself , Olivia Newton John trilled Long live love and landed a 4^th place on the scoreboard for the U.K that we could only dream about achieving today .

And who can forget Oohing and aahing just a little bit along with the statuesque antipodean beauty that was Gina G back in the summer of 96.

 Plenty of other countries have enlisted the talent of vocalists that might not necessarily come from their own shores to lend their tracks a helping hand, Celine Dion for example first came to our attention if you remember as the French Canadian singer of 1988’s winning Swiss entry so maybe it’s time to stop taking it all quite so seriously and just enjoy it as the glorious bit of human eccentricity we take much delight in either adoring or berating year in, year out.

After all if it wasn’t for the dulcet tones of a certain lady vocalist from the United States letting her love shine a light in every corner of the world back in 1997, step forward Miss Katrina Leskanich and your assorted group of waves, then our run of not getting anywhere might have been a lot longer than almost 20 years.

Full of " it "

You see the thing about teenagers is that they’re full of it, aren’t they?

We should know we all used to be one once and let’s face it when we look back on ourselves and the way we acted at that age even we cringe about some of the things we got up to, said and did.

It doesn’t take long across the everyday grapevine, let alone any social network, for something said in jest and japery to be passed along like Chinese whispers and turned into something that sounds much worse than it actually is, so it’s probably a little understandable that the head of Chatham grammar for girls reacted in the way she did to rumours of year 11 pupils coming in on their last day dressed as militants and letting off fireworks.

However had she and the staff taken a moment to remember what it was like to be a teenager, i think they might have realised what they were hearing was quite highly likely to be wildly exaggerated.

APOLOGIES

My updating of the blog has got a bit behind recently so some of my column pieces aren't in the same order they were published in
Nina x

SOME MOTHERS DO HAVE CHILDREN WHO LOOK REMARKABLY GOOD FOR THEIR AGE

Black beret in place and trench coat tightly belted, it was as if he hadn’t been away when Frank Spencer made his long awaited reappearance as part of Sport Relief.

Yes, he and his beautiful wife Bettie may be slightly more crinkly around the edges but the perfect juxtaposition of her” patience of a saint “in the face of his hapless ineptitude is a brilliant reminder to us all that being a little more tolerant of somebody’s shortcomings can do wonders for your relationship.

However that said I feel someone should have a word with the pair about their childcare skills during their time off our screens as baby Jessica who made her debut at the end of the second series on 27 December 1973 and should therefore be a woman in her early forties appears to be at least a decade younger.

Which leads me to question, does she just use a really good moisturiser or is this one of Frank’s blunders he’s never owned up to?

LOVELY JUBBLIES BY THE NAKED BREAST

“ Welcome to what I call my way of feeding , feeding’s got to be a laugh , it’s got to be simple, it’s got to be fun , it’s basically got to be about stripping the recipe down to the bare essentials ....only the top half though, this is a family show “

*Opening credits roll up to reveal pukka title sequence *

The Naked Breast

Ok , ladies what I have here for you is a recipe that’s been around since the dawn of time and you know what , it’s so simple and easy that should you choose to defer from it everyone including  celebrity chefs are allowed to make you feel bad forever after for not doing it the right way.

It’s packed full of health benefits so please do feel guilty about not doing what’s best for your child even if it’s unavoidable due to illness or other reasons when everyone informs  you about the essential vitamins and nutrients you’re depriving baby of that make them less susceptible to colds, chest infections and allergies.

Please do weep buckets full of tears at your failure to get baby to latch on because after all as your partner yawns and moans crossly “how hard can it be ? “

And should you choose to express your milk with a pump please remember all that pain and distress is totally worth it for that tiny amount you manage to squeeze out that barely covers the bottom of the beaker provided.

Top tip - A simple garnish of cabbage leaves works wonders if swelling and infection become too much to bear.

Finally, it is essential that you should feel compelled to have to sacrifice your own mental health and happiness, after all when you signed up for this baby malarkey you knew the rules stated that you were expected become a milking machine 24 hours a day 7 days a week lest you want your child to grow up and be at risk of long term illness, stunted growth and obesity.

Bish, bash , bosh and that’s it we’re sorted .

Or alternatively there is another “bold, brave “move you could make that works just as well for mother and baby.

You can do what works best for you , what fit’s best around your life and what makes not only baby happy but mum as well despite what everyone else wants to dictate to you .

I breastfed with difficulty for the first month of my twins life before deciding to switch full time to formula when I realised that with two mouths to feed and barely producing enough of my own to fill a tablespoon that if I wanted to feel satisfied i was giving them enough nourishment maybe it was time I started being not so hard on myself for not being able to give it to them personally and concentrated more on enjoying watching them thrive with a little bit of help from elsewhere.

They’ve grown up to be big, strong and healthy with rarely a day taken off school due to ill health.

Towering over 5ft me and catching up quickly with their 6ft 1 father they aren’t exactly stunted height wise and while they like their food they are in no way giving Billy Bunter a run for his money so I don’t fret quite so much that maybe I didn’t give them the best start in life by switching over to bottle feeding these days.

So ladies , I applaud you however you decide to do your feeding because while there are certainly reasons for why breast is supposed to be best , I think maybe letting every mother choose what works well for her without judging them is an even better idea , don’t you ?

Lovely Jubbly

 

And the producer said to me .....

There is an old Page family saying, it dates back to the early days of my childhood and has ultimately stood the test of time since it was first spoken way back in the early 80s.

It is uttered predominantly around the yuletide period when this particular activity tends to reach its maximum peak but can also be rolled out at other times of the year whenever we think it seems fitting to the occasion.

There are two main groups to which this statement ultimately applies, one of which involves a tall man wearing glasses with a brown paper bag folded neatly in his pocket and his friend with short fat hairy legs and alleged wig of which you can’t see the join.

And then of course there are the other two who know their place and are most distinguishable by their eyewear, matching first names and very differing size.

“You have to watch The Two Ronnies / Morecambe and Wise; it’s the law “so goes the famous family motto when presented with an episode of either of the two comedy duo’s shows upon the TV, it may be met with moans and groans from other members of the group but after years of training they come round to our way of thinking eventually.

So it’s from one diminutive personality to another that I pay tribute to a fellow 5 footer of mine this week.

Without him, rudeness of any kind would not be addressed by the phrase “Language, Timothy “, adjusting your glasses be proceeded by “and the producer said to me “and chats between myself and my mum wouldn’t regularly degenerate comically into the second guessing what the other is going to say conversations of Barker and Corbett as Charlie and Bert.

They say good things come in small packages, insert whatever innuendo you like here if you so wish but as you do light “fork handles “and let’s celebrate the life someone who not only still makes me laugh but has my 13 year old kids trawling youtube for sketches that are now about 40 years old because they think they’re hilarious.

So it’s a goodnight from us to him.

Ronnie Corbett, the little man who brought us big laughs.

 

 

Are you sure we're in the right seats , Mavis ?

The Central theatre, Chatham, now there is a place that has featured regularly in my life.

Performed up on stage in my preteens as part of my ballet school’s big show, visited it every year of my secondary school life for speech day, the award giving night where the students who had passed exams would go up on stage to collect their certificates whilst their parents sat in the audience all aglow.

Watched proudly as my own boys sang their hearts out in a choir at a school music festival and a pair of vintage swimming trunks I’d donated got wolf whistled while being modelled in a charity fashion show.

And finally pondered this weekend whether the two old girls who sat never cracking a smile apart from when presented with ice cream had maybe mistakenly thought they were seeing Russell Grant or Russ Conway when they booked the tickets for what was in fact a brilliant and very funny but not for the faint hearted Russell Kane stand up comedy show.

 

Spear an avocado on my lower portions .....(absolutely nothing to do with the column , just a line that makes me laugh :)

Comedy and music.

The eagle eyed amongst you can’t fail to have noticed that if there are two things that greatly influence my writing the most, then this pair just happens to be it.

They’re both perfect means of escape from the world when everything is getting a bit on top of you and guaranteed to pick you back up.

 Indeed the action provoked by one of them, laughter, is deemed at times to be “the best medicine “and as good reviews go you can’t get much better than that.

So at risk of Girl from the neck down starting to sound like the obituary column as 2016 rolls on wreaking havoc on our treasured celebrities list, I’d like to pay tribute to a lady without whose influence in both those areas, my writing would be a much more sober, serious affair and probably not quite as much fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please be upstanding for the brilliant and multi talented, Miss Victoria Wood.

A down to earth lass with an excellent eye for observational comedy she tickled our funny bones by finding humour in people and situations that go on around us in everyday life.

She inspired many a bookish, funny, clever girl to realise that they could be a woman in comedy and that that particular accolade didn’t have to equate with being either a nagging old harridan or the token sexy dolly bird being chased about by the likes of Benny Hill and not only that they could also be the writer of the show as well as performing in it.

In fact without a little influence from Victoria and her unique take on things, I could guarantee some of my more, let’s just say “interesting” concepts for what has appeared here on these pages may never have even gotten past the “I could do this but maybe it’s a little too mad and out there to appeal to the general public “stage from the idea’s scribbled in my notebook.

So let’s raise a toast to the woman who taught us that being witty is just as amazing as being pretty and that should you ever doubt yourself in anything you do just look to the words of the heroine of the ballad of Barry and Freda and embrace the oddness that is your most appealing trait with an almighty shout of

“Let’s do it “.

She ain't heavy ...well not as much as she was anyway

Be happy with yourself just as you are.

The sort of statement you’ll often hear me shouting from the rooftops, so I can understand that maybe some might question my own devotion to that declaration when confronted with my weight loss journey.

So as I reached my 1 and a half stone loss this week I felt I should reassure you that it’s still a motto I believe in its just that certain things have benefited greatly from letting some of the extra weight I was carrying go .

Gone is the heel pain that I had to wear a support arch insole to resolve, the ache in my back where certain items of underwear were holding up a heavy load, walking up steep inclines doesn’t feel like it requires the help of the emergency services and I have plenty of stamina to play Just Dance with the kids now instead of feeling like I’ve got those “moves like Jabba”

I have always been happy with myself just as I am; it’s just that my body is now also happy with itself just as it is.