JUST CALL ME JULIE ANGUISHED

I do like to try and keep my writing fresh and avoid repeating the same old things but as I walk round the areas where I live and grew up I’m quite ashamed some days of just how badly we treat it.

 And it’s for this reason that I find myself drawn back to a couple of my favourite subjects quite frequently.

“You’re completely obsessed with dog poo and litter” my other half was heard to remark recently after I’d had yet another hissy fit over the state of our streets so I would imagine if I were to lecture you on it sternly again it might become a little bit boring.

Therefore instead of getting rant lyrical with you, I’ve decided on a different approach this week.

So please, come sit down upon the ground and for your delight I’ll sing....

 (Julie Andrews, Rodgers and Hammerstein, fans of the sound of music you may want to cover your ears now, there’s a reason the songwriter of the family is my brother and not me)

1) Red bull can in rose bush,

Crisp packet in ribbons,

Pie wrapper discarded, pop bottle that glistens.

Dog poo bag tied tightly, then slung in a tree.

Just some of the things that infuriate me.

*twirls madly in the dress she’s run up from some curtains, narrowly avoids breaking her neck after skidding in a huge pile of dog mess outside the doctors surgery *

2) Cream coated man walks a large fluffy poodle,

Uses walking stick as a golf club to get rid of its do-do,

Scratch cards are dumped roadside because of no win,

Despite a lotto ticket trail leading straight to a bin.

*runs across grassy playing field at the park, has to stop to pick chewing gum and dog ends off of her shoes *

3) Takeaway boxes with red ketchup splashes,

Chips, pitta and salad speckle the pavement in lashes.

Clear, brown and green bottles smashed to smithereens

Lay there on the kerb next to gnawed chicken wings.

*frees small animal with its head stuck in a tin and bird tangled in beer six pack plastic ring *

4) When you’re shopping, when you’re eating, when your treat is had

Please do try and make use of the litter bins.

And then maybe Medway won’t look so bad.

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN -MEDWAY MESSENGER -13/04/15

BUT I'M A GIRL .....

I believe I may have referred to myself not being a very girly girl before in this column and a couple of incidents recently have done little to quell that depiction i have of myself.

From receiving a letter addressed to Mr Page to a bus driver calling me son despite the fact I was wearing a lovely vintage dress and the brightest red lipstick, i do wonder sometimes if that  even despite my best efforts to be ladylike I’m about as feminine as Les Dawson and Roy Barraclough portraying  Cissy and Ada .

My suspicions were further confirmed last week as my other half and I discussed the delivery of our new bathroom suite.

“Apparently, the delivery driver only brings it to the door so we need two big strong blokes to carry it in at this end “he informed me as he browsed through his emails.

“Well you’re one of them “said I “so who are you going to ask to help you “

“Oh don’t be silly, you, obviously “came the reply

Of course, I might have guessed!

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN - MEDWAY MESSENGER - 13/04/15

 

 

LOOKEY LIKEYS

Everyone has a double so they say; that somewhere out in the world there walks a person who is your mirror image.

A friend of mine has a doppelganger so eerily similar living here in the Medway towns that she’s got quite used to getting texts from friends saying they’ve just seen her in places she’s never been .

However unless you’re one of identical twins, triplets etc the chances of meeting yourself in duplicate is probably highly unlikely and it’s more probable that the person others will say you resemble is someone out there in the realm of celebrity.

My other half for instance has been told many a time that he looks like actor Martin Shaw both in his roles as Doyle from the professionals and Inspector George Gently.

And more recently he’s been christened with the nickname “ Mickey Pearce “ after some photos from his youth in which he sported a massive mop of curly hair and a dodgy moustache revealed a stunning likeness to the only fools and horses character .

However he’s not the only member of our household who resembles  a character from the world of comedy.

 Over the years I have been compared to both Mel and Sue, Dawn French and the character of Alice from the Vicar of Dibley but without fail if there’s someone trying to work out the answer to “who is it you remind me of “when faced with me and my “dazzling “personality more often than not it will be Kathy Burke.

Sometimes it’s her specifically as a comedy writer /actress and her mannerisms but generally it does seem to be her in the role of Kevin the teenager’s best friend Perry.

I could blame the years I wore my hair short, dark and clipped to the side or the fact that maybe sometimes I do come across a bit like an awkward teenage boy played by a woman I suppose but when I think about it , it could have been worse .

I’d much rather have people think “yes thank you Mrs. Patterson “when they look at me if I’m honest, than oh look its Waynetta Slob.

And at least it’s a step up from the lookalike I had before Kevin and Perry started “largin’ it up” in Ibiza.

For ,and I think you might be sensing some kind of theme here , previous to watching Kathy sending up Liam Gallagher whilst dressed as a young male with a drawn on beard , my short stature and tomboyish tendency drew many a comparison with Wee Jimmy Krankie .

So when during the leaders debates last week I noticed that Nicola Sturgeon was also being compared with Janette Tough’s naughty schoolboy comedy creation it brought back some memories and it got me thinking.

Much has been made of the comparison of Ed Miliband to Wallace of Wallace and Gromit  , David Cameron likening himself to Thomas the tank engine only to be rebuffed with the suggestion he’s more like posh engine Spencer  and I’m pretty sure green candidates must grow tiresome of references to the Wombles .

So it strikes me as odd that no-one else seems to have noticed the staggering likeness between a certain 80’s kids TV character and the leader of one of the other parties.

Come along you can’t fail to have noticed it as he stares out from billboards across the country and live into our front rooms via the medium of TV.

That smug look, that tendency to want to butt in and interrupt pompously while others are trying to have their say.

Surely I can’t be the only one who’s spotted the uncanny similarity between Nigel Farage and Zippy from Rainbow?

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 27/04/15

FARES FAIR IN DAYLIGHT ROBBERY

8.00am, its d day and that d it stands for dentist appointment.

The school has been made aware the kids will be arriving later and teeth cleaned to within an inch of their life we make our way out at the allotted time in our schedule to make sure our bus journey into town is calm and relaxed.  

I’ve come prepared with a purse full of change as we know how much a bus driver detests being presented with large notes first thing in the morning but that foresight becomes somewhat irrelevant when i step on board only to be informed child fares don’t start until 9am which going by our timetable will be when the first child is being examined in the dentist’s chair.

So after being fleeced for over £10 to get  my 12 year olds into town paying the adult rate for both them and myself , I would really like to ask how Arriva how they justify that that fare as being  fair.

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN - MEDWAY MESSENGER -27/04/15

1DeadCert

There are a few things in life you can rely on.

For me, there are a couple of dead certs.

One is that without fail no matter how sunny or fine a day is the minute i hang out my washing to dry the sky will almost immediately cloud over and pour down with rain.

Secondly, you can guarantee that if I’m trying to watch the dramatic conclusion to a programme my other half or kids will come in and talk over the end of it.

And of course, you can always bank on the minute you’ve applied hair dye or stepped into the shower or bath that the phone or doorbell will ring.

 But the prize for textbook dead cert you can rely on goes to 1D and Zayn Malik

For in my experience whenever a band is so adamant to tell you one of their members isn’t leaving, you can guarantee they’ll be gone within the week.

APRIL FOOLISH

Ring, ring goes her mobile as she returns from her walk after bidding farewell to her boys on their way to school.

“I’ve forgotten something important “says the voice on the end of the line “can you bring it in for me, please “.

Knowing it will mean a walk back the way she’s just come in order to catch a bus, she umm’s and aah’s trying to think of another way round it but he sounds so fretful that she gives in and agrees that she will be there as soon as she possibly can.

After retrieving said piece of vital equipment she makes her way back up the alley to the stop on the main road where the bus she needs to catch departs from.

Grabbing a handful of change from her purse as the bus pulls into the stop she asks for a return and mind elsewhere pulls off her ticket, collects the change she’s been given and sits down in one of the seats.

Hopping swiftly off the bus when it reaches her destination, she takes the parents walk of shame past the class having their P.E lesson on the field and deposits the item at the office with a smile and the jolly quip “I wouldn’t mind but it’s the last thing i told him not to forget this morning “.

“Now, where’s that return ticket? “She mutters to herself rifling through the contents of her purse as she leaves the school grounds and makes her way back to the stop for her return journey.

And it’s at this point she realises she’s only been issued with a single.

“Oh for goodness sake, I quite clearly said return” she grumbles as she scrapes together what coins she has left to see if she can afford another ticket.

As she boards the public transport she wonders jokily to herself  “ Maybe I’m  the unwitting star of some kind of wacky wind up show that the late Jeremy Beadle would’ve been proud of  “ and hopes the rest of her day goes more smoothly .

Which it does and the following day she triple checks everything with her kids to make sure there are no forgotten items and the morning passes by with no technical hitches .

Housework done by 1.00pm having had a quiet morning with no disruptions she decides to pamper herself and gets out the hair dye she’s been itching to try for weeks .

Slathering it all over her hair, she decides to catch up with a bit of paperwork while the dye does its thing.

But wouldn’t you just believe it after an interruption free morning now suddenly everyone must see, hear or speak to her within this particular 35 minutes.

 Vastly embarrassed at having to answer the door to take in a delivery looking like the creature from the black lagoon and with a mobile covered in dark brown hair dye from the urgent phone calls she’s had to take she ponders again if maybe she’s being filmed secretly by some kind of prankster, feeling less “game for a laugh “as her week progresses.

When the next day culminates in a carbon copy replay of Monday due to one of them leaving his homework on top of the computer modem and finding on the way back that she’s been issued with completely the wrong  bus ticket  again she admits defeat , goes home to hide  and pledges to “ try again next week”

So is this someone’s idea of an elaborate April fool’s joke, up there with Panorama and the spaghetti tree being played on this stories heroine?

No, it’s just a week in the life of your Medway messenger columnist.