GET A LIFE , NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS

Here you can have this shouts the woman with rage in her eyes as she flings the jewellery stand at the girl behind the till because in her preoccupation at getting all the bargains she’s headbutted it and slightly hurt herself.

This place is rubbish, let’s go somewhere else squeal the gang of teenagers as they dump everything they’ve been trying on in a huge mound of the changing room floor.

You’re useless rants the man in the assistants face as they have been unable to get the item he’s left it till the last minute to buy for his Mrs. and now it’s sold out everywhere

It’s been a long time since I’ve spent the Christmas period serving people in the retail industry but hearing the way some other people treat and speak to those that are trying to help them just brings the horror of it all back and at times makes me ashamed to be a human being .

So this season of goodwill please remember that that shop assistant has a life too, they’re not just there to be abused by you during the Christmas period.

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 15/12/14

Storm in a D CUP

BREASTS!

Whoops, am I being a little overly ostentatious for you?

Sorry, I can be a bit of a handful at times, but in a week where the NHS proposed that mothers should ideally breastfeed their babies until they’re 18 months old as it would save them nearly 50 million a year, it’s still slightly odd to me that some people find something that’s so natural so offensive and think that mother and baby should put away in a corner.

For let’s be honest here  , the majority of mums who are nursing their babies out in the bosom of public life aren’t going out of their way to do it for titillation purposes , they’re just trying to give their child the nourishment it needs to be fit and healthy.

Which is more than can be said for the celeb in the see through dress leaving nothing to the imagination at a glitzy awards ceremony in the pages of your glossy magazine or the topless girl in the tabloid newspaper that’ll be read over many a morning coffee or tea.

They’re not being ushered away to “somewhere more discreet “, being told to cover themselves with a tablecloth or napkin or hidden away in a disabled toilet because they’re offending somebody.

Rihanna , at a fashion event is applauded for being a major style icon in a dress that would’ve had even the emperor famous for his new clothing  blushing at the pop queen in the altogether.

 But a new mum whips one out discreetly over afternoon tea and suddenly she and all those like her are being discussed and advised by middle aged political males on what they should or shouldn’t be doing to make sure Mr and Mrs Easily offended don’t get uppity whilst consuming their milky latte.

The thing is breast feeding is nobody else’s business but mother and baby’s .Chances are new mum doesn’t really want you to be having a good gawp at her being a milk machine either and will try to be discreet as she can possibly be to avoid drawing attention to herself .

So maybe, knockers of public breast feeding should just follow her lead, let her get on with it and look away if it’s something they don’t want to see.

For by making a fuss about it and causing a scene surely they risk making themselves look like the most overexposed boob of all ?


GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 15/12/14

 

NEVER THE BRIDESMAID , NEVER THE BRIDE ?

I was beginning to wonder if it was just a role I was never cut out to play.

Maybe I’m not feminine enough.

I’ve never been that girly  I admit , false nails , fake tan , hair extensions , they’re pretty much alien to me .

Who wants to waste time that could be spent having fun on using straighteners and not being able to pick things up because their long talons get in the way?

As for spending an evening covering yourself in brown gloop that stains the sheets and virtually anything else it comes in contact with, well that’s just not my cup of tea.

Next July though I’ve been chosen to fill one of the most ladylike roles ever and I’m hoping I can do it justice.

So please let me introduce to you, at the wedding of her brother Ross and lovely wife to be Hannah.

Miss Nina Page, making her debut performance as a bridesmaid at the grand old age of 40.

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 01/12/14

BE A "PATIENT" PATIENT

A rainy evening in November, one of my sons took a tumble on the way to school this morning and injured his thumb and now he’s saying he can’t move it.

Take him to the hospital shouts one train of thought neglecting to note that my learner driver status will inevitably mean paying out vast taxi fares to get there and back.

And truth be told the males of this house are prone to a little drama queen action when faced with illness or injury, so I don’t much relish the prospect of sitting in casualty till gone midnight only for that terrible pain that ails them to miraculously be cured once again as the patient grows increasingly restless at the waiting time stretching ahead of them.

Our last journey to Medway Maritime for stomach pains that went from being suspected appendicitis to “ actually I think I might just need a poo , Mummy “ is proof enough that its probably best that I assess whether this damaged digit is worth its weight in taxi fares before I go booking up a minicab.

Carefully unwrapping the bandage the school first aider had strapped it up with I was relieved to see that it wasn’t too swollen as a broken limb would suggest but as he couldn’t grip anything with it decided we should still get it checked out anyway.

As it was getting late I decided to forego ringing the doctors surgery and went straight for the direct approach instead ,reasoning that if they couldn’t see us, there was always the pharmacist in the supermarket next door to advise us on what was best to do.

Fully expecting to be told that no I would have to go to the hospital and get it x rayed I explained to the receptionist what the problem was. She said although we might still end up at the hospital anyway she could understand why I didn’t want to make a journey if I didn’t really need to and so if we didnt mind waiting till everyone else had been in for their appointments she’d ask the doctor to have a look at it for us when she’d finished .

So we sat for about an hour watching people coming and going, the cheerful little boy saying hello to everyone who I pointed out to my son wouldn’t be leaving quite so happy when he realised that his mum had brought him in for his injections, the old lady reading the newspaper with the headline “one in 6 G.P’s is failing “and a group of decorators giving the surgery a much needed lick of paint.

Until eventually we were the only people left in the waiting room and we were called in to see our G.P.

In a little under 10 minutes she had made the diagnosis that although it was painful all this thumb needed was a little bit of rest and it’d soon be back at its best again so there was no need for a trip to A&E.

So instead of spending hours and money on a trip to the hospital we were back home within 90 minutes.

Which goes to show that it’s worth checking with your doctor first, instead of overloading those hard working, yet underappreciated hospital staff with ailments and injuries that aren’t an emergency.

Be a more patient patient and it'll benefit everybody.

And that goes for you too , Mr. Health Secretary.  

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN  - MEDWAY MESSENGER 01/12/14

GREAT PICTURE , GREAT MUSIC ,SORE FEET ....OR A SMALL REVIEW OF THE PUBMONKEY PREMIERE AND LEN PRICE 3 SET

“That was the best night out ever “, an oft quoted statement but my evening at the Pubmonkey premiere certainly fulfilled that 5 star review.

The film, a great mix of comedy and action as loser Eddie tries to rescue his girlfriend from irate drug addict Loonie Noonie is brilliant and if I tell you the only thing I had to complain about was that the chairs for the screening weren’t very comfy and made my bum go numb then you get some idea of how good it is.

 Following that up with dancing like nobody’s  watching to an amazing and energetic set by the Len price 3 I reached a peak of enjoyment that couldn’t even be dampened by a direct hit from a flying pint of lager and the pain from my ill advised choice of platform footwear.

So thanks to the band and the film cast and crew for a great nights entertainment and especially to writer Jamie o Hara and family who it turns out are fans of this column because sometimes it’s nice for this girl from the neck down to feel appreciated too .

MEDWAY MESSENGER - GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN 17/11/14

THE FELINE FUGITIVE

2.30pm, a car park in Rochester, a battle of wills is going down and there can be only one winner.

The claws are out and one of this warring duo is prepared to resort to cunning plans and dirty tricks to make sure that they are the victor.

An explosive and messy toilet stop has given one of them the perfect cover with which to launch a bid for freedom as the others attention is diverted by clearing up that which is offending the driver’s nostrils.

Lightning fast manoeuvres and a superb ability to conceal them self in even the smallest hiding place means that the sleeker of the two can easily outwit their much larger counterpart and upon finding a hard to reach space in which to stow away , they appear to have taken this jail break opportunity and nailed it.

No amount of tradeoffs is good enough for this wily creature to return to the fold, he’s seen it all before and he’s not going to give in to any kind of deal, not for anybody.

His chaser tries valiantly to entice him out but it’s to no avail, he isn’t budging.

With the softly, softly approach falling flat, the decision to use more forceful measures is agreed on , if he won’t come to us they think ,we’ll just have to try and get to him.

Like the enormous turnip they attempt and fail to heave him from his hidey hole so try a different tactic , approaching from the rear to try and catch him unawares but this slick ninja is having none of it, manoeuvring himself even further out of reach.

 However, his over confidence in evading capture soon turns out to be his undoing.

 A moment of smugness at his stealthiness leads him into letting down his guard for just a second and his opponent seizes this opportunity to swiftly remove the errant fugitive from his cosy nook .

He fights it all the way, vocalising his displeasure and making a last ditch attempt to flee by barging headfirst at the bars that trap him but he knows he’s beaten.

 And so it came to pass that covered in a layer of black and white hair, skid marks and wondering if i could contact the A team to ask where they get the sedatives to tranquilize B.A with when he “ ain’t going on no plane “ , I finally managed to deliver our feline friend Gizmo to his appointment at the vets .

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 17/11/14

RENTA-PROUD

“Why don’t you put her in the dustbin and stick the lid on it, mum?” doesn’t sound like the most promising of starts to a lifelong family bond does it.

But as the perpetrator of those words was only a toddler at the time and the babe in his mother’s arms was going full pelt on the screaming child decibelometer you could probably sympathise with him for being put off his stride whilst trying to play with his stickle bricks.

Somewhere along the way however we did manage to put aside our differences and become the best of friends, getting up to mischief together and driving my mum to her wits end.

He ,the daredevil who would push his trike to the top of our street  then whizz down  without a care in the world and only a white plastic police helmet for protection, as my mum stood at the kitchen window ,heart in her throat at what she was seeing.

And I, the little madam who gave the impression of being sweetness and light then would say something that left adult mouths agape, a bit like arsenic laced honey.

For a couple of years we were just a double act then in 78 and 81 we were joined by two more brothers and became a tight knit little band of siblings.

Always there for each other, giving support when needed and best of all, encouraging one another in anything we tried to achieve.

Then two of us became teenagers in quick succession and the lovely motivational bond that had once existed disappeared, swiftly replaced by the expression of anything towards each other through the medium of sarcasm.

So when my big brother decided he was going to learn to play the electric guitar and form a band you can probably guess how much ammunition this provided me with.

Despite all that hard work learning his chords every night blossoming into the formation of his first band with school friends I still wouldn’t take it seriously and even regular gigging didn’t convince me that this actually might be something that was going anywhere.

“What do i want to see your band for, you’re in them which means they must be rubbish “I once shamelessly stated at him in the midst of hormonally charged fury.

Slightly harsh I admit but he gave as good as he got, so don’t imagine for a moment I got off lightly for that Simon Cowellesque review.

Eventually one day though i did relent from my refusal to listen to anything that he might have had a hand in the writing of just because it might be a load of old cobblers as he’d breathed life into it and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that my big brother Glenn was actually quite talented .

From Crosstown traffic to The Wogans through to now in the Len price 3 , how could I not love the songs of a band who’s inspiration comes a lot from our life growing up in Medway and that are sometimes so personal they’ve caused me to shed a tear while listening .

And as I look forward to the Chatham premiere at Sun Pier this Friday of the film Pubmonkey in which the guys make a cameo appearance as a pub band I just want to say

You did good big brother, I’m proud of you and all you’ve achieved.

And thanks for not putting me out in the rubbish that day!

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 3/11/14

Let me entertain you ........with two bricks

You’ve spent 9 months as the world champion of morning sickness, waddling around on legs so swollen they wouldn’t look out of place on a zoological pachyderm whilst becoming a martyr to your haemorrhoids.

Today’s the day though when you’ll finally meet the little one who’s made all that suffering worthwhile and your body can finally start feeling like it’s getting back to normal.

All you need is a little help and support from those who care about you most as you share this beautiful, private moment where you’re the star of the big finale.

That is of course unless your partner is a former member of one of the world’s most successful boy bands in which case this access all areas performance is all about him and shared with just an intimate audience of a few million with the aid of the internet.

Just what you need when you’re feeling the least than the perfect glowing earth mother.

So let’s just hope that Ayda intends to return this touching gesture by entertaining us with a medley of Take that hits as we watch Mr. Robbie Williams undergoing his vasectomy.


GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 3/11/14

FAST FOOD , FAST MONEY , FAST ROUTE TO FUTURE DEBT ?

After much perusal of the canteen menu and contemplating what they fancy, the lunch time selection has been made.

Choosing from a vast array of main meals, desserts and a spot of liquid refreshment with which to wash it down, they slide their tray along to the cashier to settle the bill for their choice of comestibles.

However, no need for a wad of cash here, for they can just charge this splendid luncheon to their account using the latest in touch screen technology.

Just one simple fingerprint and you need not worry about paying for this sumptuous banquet till later.

No notes, no change, no fuss.

So where is this amazing eatery I hear you wondering, an expensive restaurant in the heart of a busy city , the food court at a innovative shopping centre or the dining hall at some hi-tech company.

Well sorry to disappoint you but it isn’t any of the above and unless you’re still in full time education you’re unlikely to be getting anywhere near this eating experience anytime in the near future.

For this is apparently the way forward for paying for school dinners.

Instead of sending them in with a wallet or purse filled with notes and various coinage many schools  are now setting up this new system to alleviate the need for children to have to carry any money .

In concept I can see it’s for the best part a good idea, no money on their person means no money that can be stolen, lost or go missing.

You also can pay for that school activity or trip with confidence, safe in the knowledge that it’s actually reached its destination on time rather than spending about a week crumpled in the depths of a tatty old rucksack between a science text book and a manky old banana.

But after I taken a moment to contemplate the idea more, I wondered to myself, is it really as good as it seems?

Is not having money on you really such a good thing if you find yourself presented with a situation in which it was needed such as spare change to use in a call box in an emergency?

(Yes, I know most kids have a mobile phone these days but go with me on this!)

 

Is a mugger or bully any less likely to attack a child who says they don’t have any money on them rather than do it anyway to make sure they aren’t fibbing?

And through personal experience of the system recently, is taking away the action of them paying with actual cash in their hands removing a vital lesson they can learn in the management of money and budgeting?

If they don’t see the amount of money reducing down in front of them it can seem to them that there’s no limit to how much they can spend with one touch of a finger.

And with so many people in debt saying that when they pay on credit it doesn’t seem like real money is giving what seems to be to our kids a bottomless pit of money at their fingertips such a good idea.

Are we by trying to protect them in one way, preventing them from learning one of the life’s most important lessons for the future?

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 20/10/14

 

RAT'S YOUR LOT

Spiders, I can do. Flies, worms, snails, no problem.

In a house that includes 3 strapping males it would probably amuse you to learn that it’s this little female who  has to get rid of anything vaguely creepy crawly.

Whether in possession of 8 spindly legs or annoying buzzy wings, critters are no match for this guardian of the home when armed with a newspaper or glass with which to escort them humanely towards the nearest exit.

However like many a superhero before me there is one weakness with which my powers can be vanquished.

And this week evil genius Gadget Cat revealed to all the personal kryptonite with which you could render me useless.

For by simply depositing a small furry rodent at my feet I was transformed from protector of people from pests to slightly hysterical woman hitching up her imaginary skirts who wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Something that stings or has a staple diet of rotting food and dog poo, I can deal with.

 Scurrying mammal with a bald tail?

Eeeek, run away!

 GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN -MEDWAY MESSENGER 20/10/14

She's in fashion

You probably wouldn’t guess it to look at me most days ,slobbing about in my everyday uniform of t shirt, jeans and trainers, or as my partner calls it “ little boy chic “ that I’m a big fan of fashion and have been since I was old enough to drag Vogue out of  the paper shop rack.

So as you can imagine I’ve been pouring over the new styles coming down the catwalks of the world in my favourite glossies for the past few weeks.

Hedi Slimane’s designs for Y.S.L with their nod to the 60s mod and Edie Sedgwick  is a particular favourite of mine at the moment tapping into my love for the era my parents grew up in, but let’s just get one thing straight before there’s any confusion .

For me it’s about the design, the style and the inspiration that go into every collection that I love but you certainly won’t see me buying into the other things associated with the industry.

You’d never see  me splashing the cash out on anything that boasts a designer label , toting my stuff around in the latest it bag or putting my name on a waiting list for something  only to discover it’s no longer the “ in “ item to be seen with when my name finally reaches the top of it.

No, I’m the person who will search out the looks she likes from charity shops, boot sales and vintage fairs for a more unique and original look minus the hefty price ticket.

But the main thing I don’t buy into in the fashion world is that your body shape should determine whether you’re out or in.

Growing up in the era of the super waif, having large boobs and a less than stick like figure should have had me crying into my alcopops as I stood next to my pocket sized best friend trying on a vintage school pinafore with a view to wearing it as a mini dress while I could only dream of getting even one leg into it.

Similarly being christened Blubbercus and Megabelly by my lovely male siblings should have in theory made me a sure fire candidate for an eating disorder in my teenage years.

But while I’ve had my ups and downs figure wise, quite literally, having been a range of different sizes from 12 – 18, I like to think I have always maintained a realistic outlook into feeling happy in the skin that I’m in.

I know that I’m never going to be Twiggy because I love my food too much to dedicate my life to being anything less than that size 12 I used to be but I also know once my figure reaches what is affectionately termed as “Elvis , the Vegas years “ that it’s time to do something to get me back to a weight that’s healthier for me.

And likewise I know there are some beautiful healthy slender girls out there for whom the figure they were born with is something that comes naturally without the aid of exercise and dieting.

However, reading about the latest” it” size to be , the triple zero, it does make me question the industry that supports this as the perfect figure we should be trying to attain to look good in their clothing ,whether maybe, just maybe the only people who should be wearing garments with the waist size equivalent to that of a 6-8 year old should be those who fall into that age category.


GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN- MEDWAY MESSENGER 6/10/14

The grown up party

Mark Reckless being described as a fellow who is large of derrière and having a fondness for certain electrical appliances by two men who think we should look to them as the future of this country confirmed just what I’ve suspected for a while now.

Whilst watching the news at home or when my other half has switched on to Prime ministers questions I’m often heard to remark that the resulting jibber jabber as each party tries to get one up on the other  sounds like nothing more than kids squabbling in the playground .

And Dave and Boris have just proved my analysis to a tee.

So in a week that’s seen its fair dose of “my leaders better than your leader “, “you’re not my best friends anymore “and general sticks and stones will break my bones name calling I’m wondering whether we might be better off if someone were to start a new political party consisting of adults who know how to behave like proper grown ups.
GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER COLUMN 6/10/14

SHORT ORDER , ORDER

Order, order! The right honourable gentleman John Bercow has clambered up on his soap box about heightism this week, probably with the aid of a step ladder.

But before you start composing your witty retort to my impudence with that opening statement just let me reassure you that I’m more than qualified to be mounting my high horse on this particular subject , however in my case the towering stallion is possibly more of a Shetland pony .

For I too am one of the vertically challenged and at just 5ft know of the trials and tribulations that being a member of the petite party brings.

In my 39 years I’ve been the butt of many a short person joke, compared tediously and unoriginally to an oompa loompa , one of snow white’s diminutive gentlemen friends and a munchkin dancing with Dorothy down the yellow brick road .

At many an important meeting I’ve sat desperately trying to look grown up as my feet dangle inches from the ground like a toddler on a swing and can regularly be seen intrepidly scaling high rise bar stools in pubs or clubs to reach the seat at its summit.

I’m the fresh faced party goer turned away from a friends nightclub birthday celebrations and told to come back when she’s finished school despite the fact she’s just turned 21 and 8 years later being id-ed for being underage on the eve of her 30^th birthday.

The midget who lurks in the supermarket aisle waiting for someone to help her get something down from that elusive top shelf or expertly devising a plan on how best to traverse the height herself to grab what she needs. A plan that often ends in the purchase of an inferior item because the one she wants is just too far away for her t-rex sized arms to reach.

That said though there are some upsides to being quite a bit below average height, we fit quite well into those small spaces on packed public transport, we never have to mind our heads in those historical old houses with the small front doors and low ceilings and no matter where we get seated we will always have plenty of legroom.

Being small is also associated with youth so a lot of us shorties are often mistaken as being much younger than we really are which is a bit of a downer when you are young and trying to buy alcohol but a real ego booster once you’ve passed the age of 30!

A pint sized stature also makes it easier for you to hide in crowd which is perfect when you’re trying to avoid that person you really don’t want to see or those sales people trying to stop you with their clipboards on the street. If you’re particularly youthful looking and get caught by one of these a quick “I’ll have to ask my mum or dad first “tends to put them off trying to sell you anything I’ve found!

So it’s not all bad being one of the little people Mr. speaker , if you pardon the short pun ,i find it’s best to just rise above it ,even if you do have to invest in a pair of stilts.

MEDWAY MESSENGER - GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN

OK, I think I'm finally up to date with all my column uploading now ! hurrah !

 

 

NO NOTICE , NO COVER UPS

I don’t make a habit of agreeing with anything Michael Gove has to say but one thing I do think is a great idea is the proposal of no notice Ofsted visits.

Having seen first hand in my time as a cleaner the smoke and mirrors that a school goes into when they receive warning an inspection is imminent I think it’s the only way you can prevent schools presenting a version of themselves that isn’t entirely truthful.

From hiding stuff in peoples cars to staff coming in at the crack of dawn to complete paperwork, charts and wall displays that should have been done daily or weekly just hours before the visit isn’t a fair representation of what a school is really like but a fairy story to make it seem to be running perfectly and if they have time to conceal all that what else could they be making sure the inspectors don’t see.

A no notice visit would put a stop to that and give us a more truthful insight into what’s really going on behind the school gates when you leave your child in their security.

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER .....Summer 2014

PANIC AT THE SCHOOL GATE or HOW TO STRESS YOUR MOTHER OUT IN ONE EASY STEP

Standing outside the gate you wait for your child to appear after finishing their after school activity so you can make the journey home.

They told you it ends at 5 o clock and you’ve arrived with 10 minutes to spare so here you stand eager to get back so they can start on their homework and you can get on with dinner.

Groups of children emerge from the building, climbing into parents cars or onto the school buses parked outside the entrance.

The vehicles pull away and small groups of chattering pre-teen and teenage boys start to disperse and walk away.

But you’re still standing there waiting, no worries you think , he’s probably just stopped to chat to someone or is making sure he has everything he needs for this evening

He’ll be out in a minute you say to reassure yourself but as 5 minutes past 5 ticks over into 15 you start to sense maybe something’s not quite right here.

A member of staff driving out of the gates asks if you’re ok and you explain who you’re looking for but this being only their 2^nd week, the name isn’t familiar.

“I don’t think they’ve all come out yet” they say” I’m expect he’ll be along soon” and promise to look out for him and send him back if they see him on their way after being given a rough description of him and his rucksack.

You wonder if maybe he came out a bit earlier than expected and has wandered  round to  your usual end of the day meeting place and whether  you’ve missed seeing him as you’ve come from a different direction  because you chose to catch the bus back but a walk round  there proves unfruitful .

So with your heart now beating frantically as panic starts to set in you hurry back round to the school gates where a group of boys sit waiting for their parents on a tree stump and ask if they know whether the after school event is over to which they reply “ yeah, ages ago “ .

Seeing the worried look on your face one of them sensibly says “maybe you should go and ask at the office “and quite by a stroke of luck one of the office staff happens to be just on their way out of the gate at that moment.

Despite being loaded down with all the items she is taking home, she listens to what your predicament is and advises you to stay put while she goes and has a good look round the school to try and find him for you, even putting a call out across the tannoy in case he is still inside.

Then with almost perfect timing as she walks back to tell you she can’t find him and what you could maybe do next, your mobile starts to ring and there is the elusive ones name flashing up on the screen who upon you answering the call innocently explains that he’d thought as you weren’t there when they’d come out a bit earlier than expected that you weren’t coming and had assumed that meant he had to walk home by himself.

You are cross with him for about a minute then you let the feeling of relief flood over you and rush home after expressing your gratitude to all those who had come to your aid.

So this is a thank you from me to them.

Thank you to the boys who told me what was the best thing to do, my brother who looked after my other son while I was out searching and most of all to the lady from the school office who went out of her way to try and locate him for me.

Thank you to you all from this grateful mum, it was much appreciated.

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER 22/09/14

 

DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME

Your basket is full, every item has been ticked off your shopping list and now you’re proceeding in an orderly fashion to the till.

The items are unloaded efficiently onto the conveyer belt and you wait patiently for them to be scanned through the checkout.

But what’s this happening to your rear, clearly worried that they might lose their place in the queue the space invader is making sure no one gets ahead of them by tailgating you through the entire experience.

No gap is left to chance as they repeatedly ram their trolley into your backside with every shuffle forward and no matter that the chip and pin area is there for you to make your payment in privacy they’re going to stay right by your side lest someone creeps in.

They function under the misguided apprehension that this will make you go faster but I have news for them.

If anything it will make me go slower on purpose ,so if you want me to get a move on in the words of Sting whilst he was still in the police.

“Don’t stand so close to me “

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN – MEDWAY MESSENGER 22/09/2014

ITS MY BIRTHDAY .....

Today is June 30th and that can mean only one thing, it’s my birthday!

It’s a special one this year though, for 2014 is the penultimate year of my thirties and this time in 2015 will mark the dawn of a whole new era for me as the body clock of my life ticks over into 40.

Of course you know you’re starting to advance in years when your childhood heroes and icons either start passing away or getting arrested for dubious reasons and although I know some of you quietly dread that landmark birthday that signals we’re just not that young anymore, but I , myself am secretly quite looking forward to it.

For while these days a night out will require a week’s worth of recovery and any overzealous dance moves could possibly result in a month spent in traction there’s a lot to be said for starting to get on a bit.

When I look back at the shy and self conscious young woman I was in my teens and twenties it’s hard to believe she’s even the same girl as me anymore.

The girl who would do anything to please everybody except herself, who wanted no hassle so just agreed to anything to avoid any confrontation because she knew she could be reduced to tears if she did.

Who was so afraid of humiliating herself in front of others she would go out of her way to avoid any situation in which she might do that and in doing so prevented her from ever feeling truly happy with her life and self .

However she’s just a thing of the past these days because sometime during her thirties something changed and that poor little weedy thing ceased to exist .

I don’t know what caused it or whether perhaps the “ don’t give a monkeys what other people think of me anymore “ fairy fluttered down and delivered it one night when I was asleep along with the grey hairs and wrinkles but I’m pretty grateful wherever it came from.

For that timid little thing gradually started to wriggle and emerge from the cocoon of her old self to reveal a much stronger , confident and sure version of herself than she had ever been before.

She started to express her own opinions and stand by them , stopped letting everyone walk over her and as for bursting into tears that only tends to happen in really sad situations or when observing anything that involves children or cute wildlife now.

 And as for the confrontation, she gives as good as she gets these days and should the suggestion of humiliating herself even be made to her over anything she or someone else think she’s incapable of she takes that as a challenge to prove she can do it.

 

So if the sight of that big 4-0 looming over the horizon is getting you down and you think that all you have left to look forward to is the menopause swiftly followed by half price fish and chip suppers and free bus passes think again because as far as I’m concerned if my thirties have been this good to me then I can’t wait to see what my forties will bring.

And if things haven’t worked out quite as well as you’d hoped they would ,just remember you still have time to change it, after all isn’t that what the mid life crisis was invented for !

I am my hair ....

You’d think i would have learned my lesson by now wouldn’t you?

Having been hitting the bottle since the age of 13 you’d think I’d know what does and doesn’t work well for me.

But before you start scrabbling around to find the number of the local A.A meeting ,don’t worry, for my addiction doesn’t lay in the bottom of a bottle of gin but in the pursuit of finding a new way to accentuate my beautiful plumage .

At birth I emerged from the womb with beautiful strawberry blonde peach fuzz on my head that my dad jokingly enquired of our red haired milkman if he had anything to do with!

 There’s no need for a Jeremy Kyle D.N.A test here though because as I bloomed into a walking talking madam of a toddler my fine thatch gradually lightened into the white blonde that he had had as a kid confirming once and for all that indeed he was my father.

Fast forward about ten years though and that angels halo of wispy white hair has darkened into that shade so boring it’s named after a member of the rodent family, mouse.

There’s a moment of hair excitement around the age of 11 as during the summer holidays I decide that I want to start secondary school with a completely new look and cut off the Status Quo style mane I’ve been cultivating for the past decade into a crop just like the one Keren from Bananarama was sporting in that week’s smash hits but then it’s another 2 years before the real hair experimenting really starts to begin.

As I enter my teenage years I’ve become obsessed by the 1950s and especially Marilyn Monroe, so I want to be as much like my idol as a 13 year old grammar schoolgirl is allowed to be .  I don’t go for the full on platinum blonde just yet but as my mum lightened my hair for me that summer I felt like I looked a million dollars. In actual fact paired with the worst home perm kit 80s money could buy I probably looked a bit more like a crumpled old tenner but hey, it could’ve been worse at least I never experimented with Sun In !

And that is pretty much my hair regime for the next 4 years but once I’ve left school and am able to afford my own dye that’s where the fun begins.

Over the course of the 90s my hair takes in varying degrees of the colour spectrum from platinum blonde to pillar-box red to the shade of deep purple that shocks the manager of the shoe shop I work in so much that I’m banished to the stockroom for the week. Chilli red , chocolate brown and the dark auburn shade that caused one young buck to try and chat me up with the line “ooh you look just like a swan vesta match “.

On into the noughties and leading up to present day we’ve had some badly executed attempts at blonde that turned a violent shade of ginger and yellow, an attempt at red that turned me into Ronald McDonalds twin sister and a gothic stage where my preferred shade of choice was that of the raven.

 However about 2 years ago, I finally cracked that perfect shade of Marilyn inspired platinum and decided this was the hair colour i was going to stick with apart from brief forays into mrs slocombe inspired pastel rinses.

That was, until last week.

Feeling a little bored with my appearance I decided that maybe I needed a change and turning to my latest girl crush of choice Christina Hendricks I decided that copper red was the way to go.

In my mind I would have everyone’s heads turning as i sashayed like her Mad Men character Joan around the area where I lived...In reality though they were just gawping at my head lit up like a belisha beacon.

It won’t be around for much longer now though it’s been issued an ultimatum by my other half; it has to be gone by next Tuesday as he’s refuses to take me to his friend’s funeral like this.

“Anything’s got to be better than that “he says “even pink “.

Pink? Hmm, now there’s an idea!

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN COLUMN - MEDWAY MESSENGER

 

DISHWASHER BLUES

After a week of puddles on the floor and lacklustre cleaning this week we finally conceded it was time to buy a new dishwasher.

The delivery date was set for Monday and i waited excitedly at the thought i wouldn’t have dishpan hands anymore due to excessive washing up and that the old rubbish dishwasher would be taken away in the process.

Or so i thought until the delivery driver took one look at my appliance and announced “sorry love i can’t take this away, it’s still wet inside, i can only deliver it , you’ll have to sort that out and then get us to come back out unless you can find someone else to do it.

Which is fair enough given after a few hours of indignant whinging the small print on the website  did indeed reveal this was company policy.

However it did feel a little like double standards when on unwrapping the new machine to fit it ourselves with help from a good friend we found that the inside was still damp from where it had been tested !

Girl fom the neck down column - medway messenger

THOMAS WAGHORN - AVANT GARDE ICON

                                IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CONE SHAPED GLOVE THIS SEASON FOR MEDWAYS BIGGEST FASHION ICON

Thomas Fletcher Waghorn  - Postal pioneer who revolutionised the mailing system by developing a new route between Great Britain and India.

Or for those of a Medway persuasion a.k.a “that bloke with the cone on his head “

 Rarely does a week go by without him sporting his jaunty head attire or adornments that would give lady gaga a run for her money in the avant garde fashion stakes.

 Why, only last week he was seen modelling a rather edgy piece of arm candy in the shape of a roadworks barrier and if my memory serves me correctly I believe one Christmas his usual orange and white titfer was replaced by a jolly Santa bonnet  .

While being a leader in experimental style and letter delivery may be rewarding enough in itself there is one job he does that means far more to those who pass him by on their way to or from Chatham.

And that is putting a smile on even the saddest of faces, so thanks Thomas, I really needed that last week and apologies to the old couple who clearly thought I was quite mad when I burst out laughing at the sight of him!

WHATS IN A NAME ....

When my mum back in 1975 decided to name her newborn daughter after her father’s favourite female singer she could only see it as the beautiful name it was.

Nina, a name meaning little girl in Hebrew, strong and mighty in native American, mother in Swahili and beautiful eyes in Hindi.

It’s a lovely list of things for a name to mean and almost worth all those years of being teased by people doing ambulance impressions at me not to mention asking where my 99 red balloons are, for the sake of having a name that’s a little bit different to everyone else’s.

I do wonder however after reading that given his popularity in I’m a celebrity some parents are naming their kids not only after Joey Essex but also some of his “vocabulary “ if little Reem and Creepysick are going to thank them some 18 years down the line when they have to fill in their first job application form .

MEDWAY MESSENGER -GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

NOW, you know me, I don’t like to rant.

Well, maybe just a little but this particular subject has really wound me up this week so I’m going to do it anyway.

Ub40, now they’re not really my cup of red, red wine but to a close friend they’re pretty special. For not only are Ali and the boys one of her favourite bands but were also that of her late brother so when she heard they were going to be playing at Rochester castle concerts this year she and her family could think of no better way to commemorate his birthday .

It’s like a sign she said, he would’ve wanted us to be there and eagerly awaited Friday 14^th March when the tickets were due to go on sale.

Unfortunately with the tickets selling out within an hour of the box office opening, her plan to go and get hers after she’d finished work meant she was left empty handed.

Knowing how much getting one meant to her though I promised to keep my eyes and ears open for any that might become available.

Spare tickets were a bit thin on the ground to start off with and it looked like this homely girl wasn’t going to be able to see her beloved band after all.

However 2 weeks before the gig though suddenly every one in ten Medway social media posts suddenly seemed to be offering ub40 tickets up for sale.

Now, while I believe some were genuinely being sold on by  ticket holders unable to attend, there did seem to be the smell of an awful lot of rats in kitchens trying to  line their own pockets with other peoples desperation .

Tickets that had originally been bought for just £ 35 were now being offered for twice that amount and should you have the audacity to call any of them up on their vast rate of inflation they would retort with “well if you were a genuine fan you’d have made sure you got a ticket on the day they came out instead of trying to buy them on here, wouldn’t you?”.

Seriously do you not think that was something they tried to do?

Unfortunately for them though the person with the pound signs in their eyes instead of music in their soul managed to get to the front of the queue before they did.

And as for “being a real fan” , don’t you think someone who genuinely loved the band would only want the tickets face value back if they had to sell it on not expect a bit more with added interest .

Chances are, if you’re one of those people who bought more tickets than you needed  just with the intention of satisfying your own greed at this particular moment you’re reading this thinking “yeah what do you know about it, stupid columnist lady” or possibly something ruder depending on how annoyed  you are with me  .

But it’s not just me who feels like this as the band themselves favourited my ranty tweet about this very subject over on their official twitter page last week.

So maybe you supposedly “genuine “fans if they really are your favourite band that should give you some “ food for thought “ indeed .

GIRL FROMTHE NECK DOWN COLUMN FOR THE MEDWAY MESSENGER on ticket touting cretins taking advantage of other peopl

 

THEY DONT MEAN ME , JUST EVERYBODY ELSE SURELY ....

You’re running a little late, the kids took forever getting washed and dressed and now it’s a game of beat the clock on the school run.

They have to be in by 8.45 to stop that late mark going down in the register then you’ll have to burn some rubber to be sure that you’re ready to clock in at the right time.

You read the letter asking politely for  parents to be a bit more considerate with their parking ,  pointing out that dropping off as you stop on the zig zag lines at the school crossing was very dangerous and agreed that people like that were very selfish  and should know better ....but this is extenuating circumstances , surely the lollipop lady would understand if you did it just this once to save yourself a bit of time .

However those precious saved seconds aren’t going to be much use to you if your child doesn’t see the car pulling out behind them and ends up in casualty , are they ?

 GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN - MEDWAY MESSENGER COLUMN

STREETS LIKE A JUMBLE ......

The street is a wasteland littered with the battered carcasses and discarded leftovers of the weekend roast.

Tin cans roll like tumbleweed down this quiet cul-de-sac  as the heart of the black bin liner is ripped open and Mr Fox and arch rival Kitty Cat drag their loot from this bountiful swag bag leaving its innards and guts strewn all around like a scene from a horror movie.

By way of payment for your magnificent hospitality, a generous deposit will be left in the middle of your driveway or path as a tip albeit less of a monetary, more of a squishy kind.

And as the sun rises our party guests will vanish quietly to whence they came and pedestrians will  pick their way through the debris of the banquet that raged just hours before , cursing those who couldn’t leave putting their rubbish bags out till bin collection day dawned .

GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN - MEDWAY MESSENGER COLUMN

FOR WE MAY NOT BE THE YOUNG ONES VERY LONG .....R.I.P RIK MAYALL

Back before mortgages, budgets and bills were of any interest in my life, the family I was part of could have read like the cast of The Young Ones.

The cool older brother who I looked up to and yearned to be like, the peaceful chilled out middle one who liked calm and serenity and the slightly anarchic youngest of the brood who had a penchant for doing his own thing no matter what trouble it got him into.

And then there was me the person who tried so hard to fit in and be popular whilst only ever succeeding in making myself look like even more of a prat than I already did.

Yet unlike the inhabitants of that houseshare back in the 1980s we got on harmoniously and whenever we watched the works of someone  who was well acquainted with those dysfunctional students of Scumbag College ,any differences we had would fall from us like a Double Decker bus hurtling  through a Cliff Richard poster  before plunging headlong  into the ravine beneath.

And the creator of those shows and characters that bought us so close together was Rik Mayall.

Through characters like The Young Ones would be anarchist Rick we glimpsed a comedy version of ourselves and our struggle to be taken seriously as we made the giant leap from teenager into adult hood. His desire to be seen as different and weird , going over people’s heads “ like an aeroplane , Mike “ reminds us of how hard we sometimes try to be someone other than ourselves whilst not realising everyone sees through that fake hip facade to the as square as a four sided quadrilateral could be person he's so desperately trying to disguise underneath .

In bottoms hapless losers Richie and Eddie we encountered the sad cases we could become if we didn’t get our lives sorted and the dashing Lord FlashHeart in Blackadder reminded us that if we want something badly enough we should damn well make sure we take it....within reason, of course.

And I’m pretty sure no-one could deny they wish they’d had an imaginary friend as fun as drop dead Fred. Fred’s influence on my life even stretches so far to me knowing I’d made a friend for life even before I’d had a conversation with somebody when i saw they had that DVD in their collection

Maybe it’s that childlike humour and almost youthful exuberance of rik that endeared us to him and made us all take a gasp of disbelief when we heard of his sudden death at 56.

His jokey take on life even making fun nearly losing his in the quad bike accident in 93 saying ” I was dead for 5 days , Jesus was only dead for 3, so i beat Jesus 5-3” makes you realise how too serious about life we can all be sometimes and that we forget to have fun once we turn into boring grown up adults. And he must have been onto something good because he got another 16 years out of his life with that positive outlook on mortality.

So let’s remember Rik not with sadness but with joy and laughter at all the ways he made us happy. Made us realise life is not just about how much money we have in the bank or what car we’ve got its about the fun, the comedy and the slapstick that goes on around us everyday .Not forgetting he provided us with some of the best catchphrases with which to live a fulfilled life with or at best wind people up with as you recite them word for word over anything they are watching.

So rest in peace Rik, thank you for making me laugh and teaching me you don’t have to take life too seriously, this girl from the neck down and her family and friends will miss you .

MEDWAY MESSENGER COLUMN -GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN

TIME FOR A CHANGE

(APOLOGIES THESE AREN'T IN ORDER, HAVE GOT A BIT BEHIND IN UPLOADING THEM ! HERES A MEDWAY MESSENGER COLUMN FROM JULY )

As my boys return to school this Monday, it’s hard to believe that this is their final term at junior school.

It doesn’t seem like 5 minutes ago that I was dropping them off at nursery with their little lunch bags and picking them up at the end of the session proudly carrying their latest finger painting.

 A couple of years later it was off to “big school “as they joined reception class at our local primary . There were more than a few tears shed that day by parents as they walked out of their little offspring’s class so they could start their first day of education.

As the months on the calendar have passed we’ve watched them go from wearing uniforms that they could “ grow into “ to cursing having to buy new trousers after a growth spurt when there’s only 3 weeks left of the school year so that they aren’t wearing “ ankle swingers “.

And as a succession of school photos and the height chart on the kitchen door frame reveals they have gone from baby faced cherubs clinging to my legs to lovely polite young boys who have started to tower over my 5ft frame at the age of 11.

As this year’s summer holidays approach though it’ll be a time for change for them and their friends for when that last day of term arrives in July this year they won’t just be saying goodbye for a couple of weeks for some of them it will be the last time they ever see each other again.

The little red uniforms will be thrown away or passed onto a younger sibling and taking its place will be the blazer and school tie that represents a whole new beginning as they start secondary education.

There’ll be a trip to the school uniform shop to make sure we have all the correct required clothing which reminds me of my own visit to Eric Thomas school outfitters to purchase hockey boots that gave off a perturbing whiff of fish and a green science overall that when I started at grammar school came down to my ankles and by the end of my time there was somewhere near my knees.

There’ll be new pencils, pens and maths equipment to buy as well as P.E kit and we’ll be doing trial runs at the walk to the new school to see how long it will take to do so we know what time we are going to need to get up in the morning.

We’ll have as much fun as we can this school holiday because mum knows this is probably one of the last few years they will want to do anything with her and she wants to cherish that moment while it’s still here.

And she’ll be right there for them after the gates open in September if they need her but she’ll keep a low profile so their new mates don’t take the Mickey as the time for hard work and new adventures to begin and as they go from being mummy and daddy’s little boys to amazing  brilliant young men.

SUMMER HOLIDAYS

The met office issues a severe weather warning that can mean only one thing, the bad holiday weather jinx has struck the family of Page / Coleman once again.

Not that I’m complaining but it does seem to have become somewhat of a tradition that while others pack sun cream and swimming costumes for their summer hols, ours seem to require cagoules and wellies .

That’s the hazard I suppose of holidaying almost exclusively within the United Kingdom and it might seem like I’m exaggerating but we do seem to cop for that one week of the year when “phew what a scorcher “descends into torrential down pours and gale force winds.

In fact one  year on a trip to Butlins, it rained so heavily that we awoke the next day to find ducks paddling in the massive puddles that lay outside our chalet door.

So as we prepare for a weekend that bares a strange similarity to Perkin Flump under his cloud on a bad day, I’ve been reminiscing about the holiday memories of my childhood to brighten my day.

Now we may be about to spend a weekend in a luxury gold rated caravan in Romney but back when I was still in knee high socks, it was a much simpler affair.

Every summer holiday the brown and white Eccles caravan would be hitched up to my granddads wine coloured Austin maxi and he and my Nan would take my brothers and I down to Swalecliffe for a fortnight to give my mum and dad a break from parenthood .

Days were spent at the park on the campsite or learning to swim on the nearby beach, bobbing up and down on the water in our yellow and brown dinghy or raiding the camp shop for sweets.

Evenings would be dinner prepared over the little gas stove in the caravan or maybe fish and chips for a treat. Then we’d play the James Bond game where you had to shake the right numbers on the dice to spell out the nations favourite spy’s name or draw pictures with the pack of Paddington bear crayons on the back of old computer paper my grandparents( recyclers ,way before it became the thing to do ) used to bring home from G.E.C  Avionics.

And when it was time for bed a transformation of epic proportions would take place as the small dining area was turned into a bed for us kids and nanna, while granddad and anyone who could fall into a deep sleep despite his snoring set up camp beds in the awning .

In the morning you’d visit the toilet block where you’d pay 2p for a bucket of hot water and go into one of the curtained cubicles to do your ablutions.

Then it’d be back to the caravan for breakfast. Toast with butter or cereals in brightly coloured Tupperware bowls. Granddad one day makes the mistake of mixing up which bowl is the sugar and which is the salt and much hilarity ensues and makes me happy even now to think how something so simple could make so many people smile.

So despite being immersed in a world of electronic gizmo and gadgetry, I hope I have instilled at least a few lovely holiday memories into my kids that they can recall like mine.

And if that means i have to get up on the stage and gargling water to the tune of Gangnam style like I did last year then so be it. 

 

 MEDWAY MESSENGER COLUMN 25/08/14

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ?

Do you think with your heart or your head?

Interesting question, huh?

And difficult to decide which is the better organ to make your decision with for the best outcome in the long run.

The head has a tendency to be sensible, think logically and listen to what those in “ authority “ have to say, taking it as gospel that it’s the right thing to do .

The heart, soppy old thing that it is, is far more likely to be reckless make choices that might not be seen as the right ones by those set in their ways but that may ultimately be for the best if given the chance to indulge.

So do you go with the sensible option because those who are experts in it must be right that that’s the only way?

Or go with the feeling inside that says something else is worth trying no matter what cost to you because ultimately it would make you happier because at least you tried everything.

Put in a situation where you have to decide with either heart or head, in the heat of the moment, do you know what you would you do?

MEDWAY MESSENGER COLUMN 8/09/14.

I was thinking about how different peoples reactions were to the Ashya King story and wondered if we really would know what we'd do if we were put in that situation

 

I LOVE BUSH ......KATE, THAT IS

There was a time when the pirouetting brunette in the red floaty dress or black cat suit warbling about her homecoming to lost love Heathcliff was known by a less than flattering name in the Page family household.

My granddad Jim, less than impressed by what he deemed her caterwauling on TV one evening proclaimed he wished to she’d go back out and lose herself on those wiley windy moors once again then promptly christened her with the moniker with which she has been referred to jokingly by my family ever since, that of  Kate “Bloody “Bush.

A name which stuck so vividly in my 3 year old memory  that it wasn’t until i was a good few years older  that I realised she didn’t actually in fact have a very interesting middle name starting with B.

So it’s fair to say through the power of family influence I probably wasn’t one of Kate’s biggest fans growing up.

In fact around my teenage years she was probably like Annie Lennox, George Michael and Simply Red, one of those artists that I constantly bemoaned got nominated for a Brit award regardless of whether they’d actually done anything.

But as the years started running up that hill and hounds of love drove away any peer pressure of who I should pledge a fans allegiance to, I started to notice that her music has a real wow quality to it.

And not only that , in reading and watching programmes about her in the run up to her sell out gigs recently I noticed just how similar in personality I am to the lovely miss B.

For on one hand you have the Kate stage persona that we all recognise that’s outgoing, over dramatic and outrageous, wildly putting on a show, acting out the characters in her songs so you can see the story that she is telling you.

Then in stark contrast you have the quiet reserved little lady talking modestly about the things she’s achieved in her life and who chose to shy away from the spotlight at the peak of her career to bring up a son who meant so much more to her than whether her latest album was number one this week.

And in some ways i can relate to that dual personality with much affinity.

In real life as just plain old Nina page I am a very shy almost timid person in some social situations, put me with people I don’t know and expect me to make conversation I go to pieces until I really get to know them or them me, ditto standing up and speaking publicly in front of a crowd .

But give me an amazing outfit, a set of d.j decks or a computer keyboard and different persona and suddenly i don’t mind being the centre of attention in a room full of people I’ve never met before.

And along with dee vinyl, my dj alter ego  who behind her amazing outfits and cracking tunes can be the first on the dance floor and last to leave , Girl from the neck down is the far more articulate and fluent version of myself that I struggle to convey as I stutter and mumble along as the real life action Nina.

Maybe one day though she’ll have the confidence to take centre stage on her own and my , what a comeback that would be. 

THE UNEDITED VERSION OF MY " GIRL FROM THE NECK DOWN " COLUMN PIECE FOR THE MEDWAY MESSENGER ON 8/09/14